If divorce were only about you and your ex, you could go your silent, separate ways. No more having to compromise, negotiate, or listen to stories that have bored you for years. No more arguing, fuming, or fighting to be heard. No more “talking about it” when you just want to go ahead and do things your own way. But if you have children, co-parenting without talking won’t be so convenient.

Compared to custody and parenting arrangements from only a few decades ago, co-parenting is like a ‘180.’ No single parent is in charge, and focus is on the highest good of the children.

f divorce were only about you and your ex, you could go your silent, separate ways. No more having to compromise, negotiate, or listen to stories that have bored you for years. No more arguing, fuming, or fighting to be heard. No more “talking about it” when you just want to go ahead and do things your own way. But if you have children, co-parenting without talking won’t be so convenient.

Compared to custody and parenting arrangements from only a few decades ago, co-parenting is like a ‘180.’ No single parent is in charge, and focus is on the highest good of the children.

The key component to co-parenting is healthy communication. And, considering you may have divorced because of unhealthy communication, it may sound crazy to expect the two of you rise to the occasion now.

There can be a number of reasons that parents stop talking after a divorce. Jobs, personal schedules, new partners, shame, jealousy, incompatible communication styles, and even outright dislike for one another can cut the communication lines.

There are additional parenting options for co-parenting. Without talking to one another, you and your ex will have extra challenges if you choose to go the co-parenting route. And no matter which model you choose, you will both have to rise to the task of putting your children first.

Why is co-parenting without talking such an oxymoron? Because co-parenting is built around the assumption of healthy communication. In fact, the twelve characteristics of healthy co-parenting all tie back to this essential.


Here are a few key components to healthy co-parenting.

Open dialogue between parents 
Schedule and rule changes don’t go through the kids. They are handled between the parents first. (Sounds like being married, doesn’t it?)

No bad-mouthing of the other parent
That goes for the kids as well as for you. Your kids are still evolving into their identities, and both of their parents contribute to that lasting sense of self. Remind them of what’s good in the other parent, and save your personal issues for your support group.

Consistency with rules in both households
This is one of the most distinguishing characteristics of co-parenting compared to parallel parenting.

You are trying to make your kids’ lives consistent, dependable, and at least somewhat predictable. Your goal isn’t to trump your ex’s rules on homework, but to give your kids a sense of a unified homefront, despite two households.

Amicable interactions at school and in public
Don’t embarrass your kids. Don’t make them dread having both parents present at their sporting events and birthday parties. Be the adult you are trying to raise your kids to be.

So, if raising kids demands so much communication from parents who have no interest in speaking with one another, is co-parenting without talking possible? And if it is, what can you expect in the way of pros and cons?

The key to healthy co-parenting may be communication. But communication can be packaged in a variety of ways.

If you and your ex are truly committed to co-parenting vs. sole guardianship or parallel parenting, then you have to rise to the occasion. You may not feel warm and fuzzy about chatting on the phone or making nice in person. But you do have to choose how you will communicate – text, email, online schedulers – and commit to doing so in a healthy way.

What are some pros to co-parenting without talking?

You can focus only on your kids
As long as you are committed to the happiness and welfare of your kids, you can make co-parenting work with some detachment.

If you are still stewing over marital hurts, you may not be ready to enter into conversation with your ex. But make sure your interactions are respectful, non-sarcastic, and completely focused on what’s best for the kids.

You don’t risk provoking or being provoked
It can take years to process a divorce, even with the greatest intention to do so. And during that time, the mere sound of an ex’s voice – his/her, word choice, innuendos – can be a tigger, It doesn’t take much to “go back there” when talking with an ex you still resent or don’t fully trust, let alone like.

If you choose co-parenting without talking, you can keep matters businesslike and child-focused. No emotion. No squabbling. No escalations.

• You have greater distance and emotional detachment from your ex. 

Talking connects people. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be so integral to creating intimacy.

Even negative talking is a connector in that it attaches you to the energy of what is said and how it is said. Verbal abuse wouldn’t be so damaging if that weren’t the case.

By not having to talk with your ex by phone or in person, you can detach from that verbal energy. And hopefully, with time and self-examination, you can both heal from the negative emotions connected to your relationship.

• You have a plan to live by…in writing.

If you aren’t going to talk, you’re going to have to write. And that means documentation. Texts, emails, written notes, online schedulers, shared correspondence with teachers and doctors – you have information in black-and-white. 

“I will be picking Lucy up from school at 2:00 to go to Dr. Caldwell’s.” “Today’s soccer practice has been cancelled due to rain.” “I will be overseas on business Tuesday. Will you send notes from the parent-teacher meeting?”
It’s all about the kids.

Obviously there are also cons to co-parenting without talking. After all, the ideal arrangement involves open communication between both parents.

Even with the above positives, there are going to be some negatives

• You risk not presenting a unified front

The benefit of a text is that it tends to be to-the-point and lacking in emotion (excluding multiple exclamation points and orange-faced emojis).

The drawback of a text is that it tends to be to-the-point and lacking in emotion. It also lacks details that are more easily expressed in verbal communication.

A key element of co-parenting is consistency between households. And that means that, even without being married, parents have to present a unified front.

This is especially important as kids enter their teens and become more independent. They will inevitably test and push boundaries. And both parents will have to stand together as one in establishing rules and doling out discipline. Again, focus on the kids.

• You risk using your kids as a channel for communication 

You are still responsible for communicating with your ex first on all matters regarding rules and schedules for your kids.

Talking takes less time than sending emails or logging into an online account. And it can be tempting to tell your kid, “Tell your dad we need to rearrange our weeks because of the upcoming trip to Grandma’s.

This becomes a slippery slope into using your children as a go-between in your relationship with your ex.

• It’s more difficult to maintain consistency between homes

If you were still married, you would most likely verbalize the little things that make a big difference. Now that you need to uphold rules and make consistent changes across two households, not talking can pose a big challenge.

• It’s more difficult to resolve issues involving your kids’ behavior 

Your pre-pubescent 12-year-old isn’t a toddler anymore. And, while his behavior as a pre-teen may make you wonder, he needs different parenting now than he did then. And that includes (especially) direction and discipline regarding behavior and choices.

If you were still married, do you think you would be able to accomplish this effectively by leaving Post-It notes for your spouse? Co-parenting without talking doesn’t make it any easier.

• Your kids don’t get to watch their parents model healthy conflict resolution and civil behavior

Ideally, co-parented children get to observe their divorced parents resolving differences in a healthy, effective way. They get to experience a sense of family in public without being embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid.

They grow up knowing that their parents love, support, and prioritize them. And they learn how to become healthy, communicative adults themselves in the process of growing up.

When you are co-parenting without talking, your children lose this experiential learning. They see little to no communication between their parents, and therefore have to learn those essential relationship and parenting skills elsewhere.

Parenting is the most demanding, important job in the world. And those demands and importance don’t dwindle after a divorce.

While co-parenting may be the ideal arrangement for children, the parents have to be prepared and committed to what is required of it. Co-parenting without talking, while not ideal, is definitely possible. But it does require mutual commitment, diligence, and respect.

We extend our thanks to Dr. Karen Finn for this article

NEED HELP?
Don’t forget if your self representing and needing low cost help with your family law matter or even just trying to work out how to write a fair dinkum parenting plan with the ex – drop us a line at – 

These days the main complaint mums and dads have about family court proceedings involving their children is the way the Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL) is involved, and the perceived biased opinions they have about important issues like how co-parenting is to be managed.

And when it comes to your kids, ICLs carry a lot of sway in the courts, so it’s important to check and see whether yours is behaving appropriately and abiding by the guidelines that were set up back in 2013 and endorsed by the Chief Justice of the Family Court and Federal Circuit Court of Australia.

Before I begin, I’d like to share a little story about an ICL I use to know whose name shall remain sealed behind these lips.
Firstly, ICLs in many cases are often just normal lawyers often working in suburban firms with enough ‘kilometres on the clock’ to be considered “worthy” of being appointed by the court to act in that role.
Sometimes, ICLs work for legal aid and that work is just part of the mix of what they do.

But let’s go back to my ICL from the local law firm, and by god there are an awful lot of them with only this background.
Firstly, you have to remember that being an ICL isn’t their day in day out work and indeed may constitute just a small percentage of their already overburdened week with a dozen other clients and cases. And with that, they are often time poor and very hard to get a hold of when an anxious parent needs something clarified, or a decision explained.

The ICL I knew was regularly subject to formal complaints from both lawyers appearing for parents, and from self representing mums and dads. This person would often talk off the record about how they had a personal dislike for one of the parties lawyers or one of the parties. They would describe anxious and frustrated parents in very unkind terms like “neurotic”, “demanding”, “dangerous”, “deadbeat”, “promiscuous” and “useless”. And when you think about it, this is the person that is suppose to prepare non biased reports to the court so important decisions can be made about parenting.

Additionally, his reporting was often exaggerated, and as such, not accurate. Reading these reports made me wonder whether he understood that he was appointed to represent the best interests of a child in family law proceedings. To be honest, at times this average suburban lawyer seemed to be getting off on the power trip that came from making recommendations about a child’s future relationship with both their mum and dad. Time and time again the inaccuracies and bias in his reports reflected that.
But at least he got to be “king” for a day hey?

The Role of the ICL

So what are these court appointed lawyers meant to do?
Section 68LA of the Family Law Act regretfully provides the usual murky waters and vagueness to guide us.

Let’s take a look.

68LA (2)  The independent children’s lawyer must:

                     (a)  form an independent view, based on the evidence available to the independent children’s lawyer, of what is in the best interests of the child; and

                     (b)  act in relation to the proceedings in what the independent children’s lawyer believes to be the best interests of the child.

On first reading it almost sounds like the ICL gets to decide what is in the best interests of the child but that wouldn’t be right because the law is also pretty damn clear on what the best interests of the child are all about. And the primary consideration here is the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with BOTH of their parents.

Naturally, the law also clarifies that where violence and abuse are prevalent, that can be overridden.

The law then goes on to state that:

68LA (3)  The independent children’s lawyer must, if satisfied that the adoption of a particular course of action is in the best interests of the child, make a submission to the court suggesting the adoption of that course of action.

Again it all seems so subjective. How can a ICL, who usually has no professional skills beyond the law decide on parenting outcomes? And the one I know would say, “well there’s a report from the family consultant and they met mum, dad and the kid for an hour so that’s what I’ll make all my recommendations for the child’s immediate future on”.
Good lord is it any wonder parents are up in arms about these flimsy processes about deciding their child’s future?

The law also reminds us of something very important about the ICL and their role and duties:

 68LA(4)  The independent children’s lawyer:

                     (a)  is not the child’s legal representative; and

                     (b)  is not obliged to act on the child’s instructions in relation to the proceedings.

Yep that’s right they are NOT the child’s lawyer, and although they are suppose to meet with kids who have reached school age, they don’t have to apply any regard to what a child might want.

Specific duties of ICLs to be impartial often are not done…

 68LA(5)  The independent children’s lawyer must:

                     (a)  act impartially in dealings with the parties to the proceedings; and

                     (b)  ensure that any views expressed by the child in relation to the matters to which the proceedings relate are fully put before the court; and

                     (c)  if a report or other document that relates to the child is to be used in the proceedings:

                              (i)  analyse the report or other document to identify those matters in the report or other document that the independent children’s lawyer considers to be the most significant ones for determining what is in the best interests of the child; and

                             (ii)  ensure that those matters are properly drawn to the court’s attention; and

                     (d)  endeavour to minimise the trauma to the child associated with the proceedings; and

                     (e)  facilitate an agreed resolution of matters at issue in the proceedings to the extent to which doing so is in the best interests of the child.

Well we all know that much of the above in the way it is worded, leaves open the opportunity for overworked or power hungry ICLs to  steer towards subjectivity and personal bias.
One thing I would note is that it’s a rare day indeed when an ICL actually “facilitates an agreed resolution of matters at issue in proceedings”.

So how should an ICL behave?

How can a court appointed lawyer on a limited budget and a low hourly rate put the time into this sort of complex work of getting two warring parties at court to put together consent minutes. That is a substantial task and I don’t think I have ever seen an ICL achieve it. When in doubt, a good ICL should refer to what the court has set out as a guideline for appropriate behaviour.

♦ Be truly independent of the court and the parties
♦ Act impartially
♦ In professional relationships be skilful, competent and an impartial best interests advocate
♦ Work with family consultants to ensure the best interests of the child (no subjectivity)
♦ Promote a timely resolution of proceedings consistent with best interests of the child
♦ Assist both parties to reach a resolution by negotiation… or judicial determination

The sad thing is that the system is broken and many good ICL’s don’t have the resources or funding to get negotiations on foot, so that agreed outcomes can be worked out.
For the bad ICLs, the work they do ends up being nothing more than a regular cash cow where time is only spent as per dollar allocated and often with bias and subjectivity.
These ones should frankly be shown the door.
Here at The Legal Eagle, we help people who are trying to avoid hefty legal bills by self representing. Our legal drafters can help with all your documents for court and can also give you tips on how to perform well at court without high priced lawyers.
We have been Australia’s go to service for self representers for years.

Drop us a line on
 Facebook
or
Make an appointment via our 
Website

Recently, I had a very angry client who assured me he was taking control of his life and had done much research on Google and had even bought some self help books to turn his post marriage life around.
He assured me that with new book at hand and Dr Google on standby he would have a rosy future.

As a lawyer, I often feel torn as to whether I should be providing just plain ol’ legal advice or instead advice on calming down and taking stock of unhappy emotions. Unhappiness and ongoing anger towards your ex is never going to get you good parenting or property solutions either at the negotiating table or at court.
But I think it needs more than a book or a slightly frustrated (but caring) lawyer to help that.

In our stressed out constantly connected world, never a day goes by without a self-help book, seminar, columnist or online blogger assuring us our problems can be solved, moods changed, and our perfection realised with just a few sure fire pieces of advice. 

You see “self-help” is primarily very big business.  

Lindsay E. Myers, a national healthcare consultant notes that the self-improvement industry is worth around $10 billion per year in the U.S. alone.  Year after year, people from broken relationships keep feeding their insatiable appetites for someone’s opinion on how they can better manage their minds and lives.  Myers’ notes that self-help has a high recidivism rate, with the most likely purchaser of a self-help book being the same person who purchased one already in the last 18 months.

Take a quick look at the current crop of gurus and soothsayers sitting atop of the Amazon best sellers list:

• • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
    

• • Balancing in Heels: My Journey to Health, Happiness, & Making it all Work
  • Calm the F*ck Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring in Book

Lord have mercy,  a “self-help” colouring-in book!

But I do wonder, if these tomes are so effective at solving our problems why do they usually result in a continuing stream of self-help purchases?  Perhaps we should put down the colouring-in book and instead  join the dots to deduce why self-help ain’t making us or our marriages and relationships better. 

You’ve probably noticed that little voice inside your head. The one that clings to petty grievances, or dislikes of someone or thing, like an tiresome spouse or partner making a daily visit to regurgitate the whining they did yesterday.  This mind noise can end up becoming part of our psyche.
Why can’t we just stop thinking about this nonsense and be more like our ever friendly, non-grudge holding…canine friends.
You see dogs never get addicted to their emotions and that’s probably why they make great companions (unlike that grumpy partner)

Dr Joe Dispenza, author of the best selling “Evolve Your Brain: The Science Of Changing Your Mind”, reminds us that most people are unaware of how addicted they are to their emotions‚ and how the brain perpetuates those addictions automatically.
In short‚ we become slaves to our emotional addictions without even realising it.   

As Joe states: “every time we fire a thought in our brain, we make chemicals, which produce feelings and other reactions in the body.” Our body grows very accustomed to these chemicals, like the ‘happy’ chemical dopamine which comes about with the joy of finding what you are seeking, or the satisfaction of enjoying a meal. 

Dr Dispenza warns us that we  do nearly everything we can, both consciously and subconsciously, to restore our familiar chemical balance. His belief  is that any interruption in the regular, consistent and comfortable level of our chemical makeup results in distress.  Consequently, changing those persistent moods and negative feelings just doesn’t feel right.   In fact, if your regularly angry and then have a ‘good’ day, your body will start to miss those anger related chemicals it is so use to. No need to wonder why certain people predominantly carry the same unhappy disposition. 

What if we were to be mindful and observe these negative patterns of thought‚ and start to rewiring the brain with new thoughts through some simple daily meditation?

Meditation can help break the cycle of unhappiness with ourselves and others. When you take the steps to stop the flow of negative ‘noise’ and imagine goodwill and compassion for others, you also become kinder to yourself.
You can also become a more composed, relaxed and better negotiator when it comes to sorting out your parenting and property matters. Or would you rather the lawyers do it in a “battle royal”… and charge you accordingly?

I like to remember how much I lived in awe of my wonderful bull terrier Scoobi, who we lost five years ago, and his approach to life. Even when chastised, he never held a grudge or carried an unhappy disposition. He just learnt his lessons and moved on with an ever present wagging tail. If I was ever unwell or angry he instinctively gave his unconditional doggy compassion, rather than worrying. He never spent a second regurgitating the daily mind noise we all seem to accept.
Overthinking would of ruined his nature. 

So Why Not Give Meditation A Chance.

I mean you don’t have to follow the meditation described below, for example some people just like to find some quiet time to sit and not think of anything for 10-15 minutes but it’s not as easy as it sounds folks when you have so much on your mind.

Meditation to remove negativity plus create goodwill for others

You will need around 10-15 minutes for this one, and remember to find a spot that is quiet and free from distraction.

1. Take the time to practice a little breath counting meditation for say 5 minutes, to calm the body and empty your mind. Remember, just focus on observing the in-breath and the path it takes, and the number (1-5) on the out-breath. Restart once you get to 5. If your mind starts wandering around the 3 mark, just remind yourself that 3 is the important halfway breath that must not be distracted! If thoughts do pop up that are distracting just acknowledge them and… send them on their way!
   Once you have finished this warm up, tell yourself that you are going to now meditate to remove the negatives and suffering experienced by ALL living beings (yes, not just yourself but even your ex you can’t stand)
   Say to yourself at the start:  May all beings be happy, fulfilled and receive my compassion.
2. On the in-breath visualise a white light entering your nostrils, streaming down your throat and filling your entire being. The white light is your positive energy. Visualise yourself  with the out-breath getting rid of present and future suffering of all in the form of black smoke, repeat this process until you feel you have exhaled all your present and future suffering, and have replaced it with something much better, a radiant joy.
3. You can use this to firstly deal with your own troubled headspace, but then use the same meditation to visualise others for whom you would like to send positive thoughts, both friends and enemies, to help rid their dissatisfactions and unhappiness. You’ll be creating some great karma in your life.
   Again, your ‘mantra’, if you get distracted is: for all beings to be happy, fulfilled and to receive your compassion.

Imagine this white light as having the same effect as a powerful antidepressant, except it’s a totally natural one. And practise this everyday so you can take charge of any odious negative noise and make it something positive.
For as Gandhi said:   

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

I’m sure dear old Scoobi would have felt exactly the same way.

*With thanks to David Michie author of:  “Buddhism for Busy People”