Recently, I had a very angry client who assured me he was taking control of his life and had done much research on Google and had even bought some self help books to turn his post marriage life around.
He assured me that with new book at hand and Dr Google on standby he would have a rosy future.

As a lawyer, I often feel torn as to whether I should be providing just plain ol’ legal advice or instead advice on calming down and taking stock of unhappy emotions. Unhappiness and ongoing anger towards your ex is never going to get you good parenting or property solutions either at the negotiating table or at court.
But I think it needs more than a book or a slightly frustrated (but caring) lawyer to help that.

In our stressed out constantly connected world, never a day goes by without a self-help book, seminar, columnist or online blogger assuring us our problems can be solved, moods changed, and our perfection realised with just a few sure fire pieces of advice. 

You see “self-help” is primarily very big business.  

Lindsay E. Myers, a national healthcare consultant notes that the self-improvement industry is worth around $10 billion per year in the U.S. alone.  Year after year, people from broken relationships keep feeding their insatiable appetites for someone’s opinion on how they can better manage their minds and lives.  Myers’ notes that self-help has a high recidivism rate, with the most likely purchaser of a self-help book being the same person who purchased one already in the last 18 months.

Take a quick look at the current crop of gurus and soothsayers sitting atop of the Amazon best sellers list:

• • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
    

• • Balancing in Heels: My Journey to Health, Happiness, & Making it all Work
  • Calm the F*ck Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring in Book

Lord have mercy,  a “self-help” colouring-in book!

But I do wonder, if these tomes are so effective at solving our problems why do they usually result in a continuing stream of self-help purchases?  Perhaps we should put down the colouring-in book and instead  join the dots to deduce why self-help ain’t making us or our marriages and relationships better. 

You’ve probably noticed that little voice inside your head. The one that clings to petty grievances, or dislikes of someone or thing, like an tiresome spouse or partner making a daily visit to regurgitate the whining they did yesterday.  This mind noise can end up becoming part of our psyche.
Why can’t we just stop thinking about this nonsense and be more like our ever friendly, non-grudge holding…canine friends.
You see dogs never get addicted to their emotions and that’s probably why they make great companions (unlike that grumpy partner)

Dr Joe Dispenza, author of the best selling “Evolve Your Brain: The Science Of Changing Your Mind”, reminds us that most people are unaware of how addicted they are to their emotions‚ and how the brain perpetuates those addictions automatically.
In short‚ we become slaves to our emotional addictions without even realising it.   

As Joe states: “every time we fire a thought in our brain, we make chemicals, which produce feelings and other reactions in the body.” Our body grows very accustomed to these chemicals, like the ‘happy’ chemical dopamine which comes about with the joy of finding what you are seeking, or the satisfaction of enjoying a meal. 

Dr Dispenza warns us that we  do nearly everything we can, both consciously and subconsciously, to restore our familiar chemical balance. His belief  is that any interruption in the regular, consistent and comfortable level of our chemical makeup results in distress.  Consequently, changing those persistent moods and negative feelings just doesn’t feel right.   In fact, if your regularly angry and then have a ‘good’ day, your body will start to miss those anger related chemicals it is so use to. No need to wonder why certain people predominantly carry the same unhappy disposition. 

What if we were to be mindful and observe these negative patterns of thought‚ and start to rewiring the brain with new thoughts through some simple daily meditation?

Meditation can help break the cycle of unhappiness with ourselves and others. When you take the steps to stop the flow of negative ‘noise’ and imagine goodwill and compassion for others, you also become kinder to yourself.
You can also become a more composed, relaxed and better negotiator when it comes to sorting out your parenting and property matters. Or would you rather the lawyers do it in a “battle royal”… and charge you accordingly?

I like to remember how much I lived in awe of my wonderful bull terrier Scoobi, who we lost five years ago, and his approach to life. Even when chastised, he never held a grudge or carried an unhappy disposition. He just learnt his lessons and moved on with an ever present wagging tail. If I was ever unwell or angry he instinctively gave his unconditional doggy compassion, rather than worrying. He never spent a second regurgitating the daily mind noise we all seem to accept.
Overthinking would of ruined his nature. 

So Why Not Give Meditation A Chance.

I mean you don’t have to follow the meditation described below, for example some people just like to find some quiet time to sit and not think of anything for 10-15 minutes but it’s not as easy as it sounds folks when you have so much on your mind.

Meditation to remove negativity plus create goodwill for others

You will need around 10-15 minutes for this one, and remember to find a spot that is quiet and free from distraction.

1. Take the time to practice a little breath counting meditation for say 5 minutes, to calm the body and empty your mind. Remember, just focus on observing the in-breath and the path it takes, and the number (1-5) on the out-breath. Restart once you get to 5. If your mind starts wandering around the 3 mark, just remind yourself that 3 is the important halfway breath that must not be distracted! If thoughts do pop up that are distracting just acknowledge them and… send them on their way!
   Once you have finished this warm up, tell yourself that you are going to now meditate to remove the negatives and suffering experienced by ALL living beings (yes, not just yourself but even your ex you can’t stand)
   Say to yourself at the start:  May all beings be happy, fulfilled and receive my compassion.
2. On the in-breath visualise a white light entering your nostrils, streaming down your throat and filling your entire being. The white light is your positive energy. Visualise yourself  with the out-breath getting rid of present and future suffering of all in the form of black smoke, repeat this process until you feel you have exhaled all your present and future suffering, and have replaced it with something much better, a radiant joy.
3. You can use this to firstly deal with your own troubled headspace, but then use the same meditation to visualise others for whom you would like to send positive thoughts, both friends and enemies, to help rid their dissatisfactions and unhappiness. You’ll be creating some great karma in your life.
   Again, your ‘mantra’, if you get distracted is: for all beings to be happy, fulfilled and to receive your compassion.

Imagine this white light as having the same effect as a powerful antidepressant, except it’s a totally natural one. And practise this everyday so you can take charge of any odious negative noise and make it something positive.
For as Gandhi said:   

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

I’m sure dear old Scoobi would have felt exactly the same way.

*With thanks to David Michie author of:  “Buddhism for Busy People”

There’s a new neighbour from hell working your streets in an ever increasing frequency. 
This neighbour never reveals their identity and mostly lurks under cover of darkness. Their gripe is usually noise, particularly that of barking dogs.
Although in saying that, any animal that doesn’t quite live up to their personal standards of good animal behaviour may also become a target. 

A bored barking dog? A wandering cat? A grass eating rabbit crossing a boundary? A squawking bird?

This particular neighbour from hell’s vengeance knows no bounds. And the revenge is always delivered by this coward via poisoned bait, with the end result being a sick or dead treasured pet.
The Legal Eagle has lost count of the numerous recent news stories from across the nation describing the distress of neighbours whose pets have been targeted with poisoned baits, often disguised inside of meat or a food type preferred by the particular targeted animal. 
Mince balls laced with rat poison seem to feature regularly, although the poison bait can come disguised as anything that an animal might perceive as a tasty treat, from seed to sausage.

These low life ‘neighbours’ have a particular pattern to the way they work. Prior to their act of poisoning, there is always the obligatory nasty note. It’s here that you need to take any note threatening retaliation on your animal very seriously, particularly in the weeks immediately following such a note.
Let the police know about the note and if you can, set up a camera wherever you pet roams when you are out and try and restrict your pet to that area.
Post a warning sign in a predominant place that your property is being monitored but be vague about where the surveillance device might be.
And if you can keep the targeted pet inside even better.

Public parks favoured by dog owners have also become targets for these gutless wonders so ensure you keep your dog on leash if baits have been spotted at your local dog run.

What does the law say about this?

The police are normally brought in to investigate these heinous crimes, but because there are no standard national animal cruelty laws the various state by state laws relating to animal cruelty are left to be enforced by a range of different government departments.
Go figure!

So what you have are different government departments across Australia that are responsible for the enforcement and prosecution of animal cruelty laws. These are the agencies that are meant to handle your enquiries about a potential baiter or a baiting incident.
The punishments are heavy with jail sentences in the mix.
For example in QLD, a deliberate act of cruelty carries a maximum of three years’ imprisonment or a $252,300 fine, under the Animal Care and Protection Act 2001.

Also under the same Act, it is also an offence to administer or feed a harmful substance, with the intention of killing an animal, with the maximum penalty $37,845 or 12 months’ imprisonment.

In NSW, it is an offence to throw or leave poisons for the purpose of killing a domestic animal and that offence is punishable by a maximum of five years in prison and a hefty $22,000 fine.

Despite these hefty fines, the baiters still persist in ever increasing numbers. This is why neighbours need to be vigilant, particularly at night.

Queensland mother Tracey Spoor found a threatening letter in her letter-box earlier this year warning her to keep her barking dogs quiet. The note said it was her “last warning”. Less than a day later, her pet, Bella, would be dead. The chilling letter demanded Spoor “think carefully” about her “children’s well-being” and suggested that she buy a special “zap collar” to control her pets.

To her horror, the next day Spoor discovered her beloved dog Bella coughing up blood. Vets told her they believed the dog had been poisoned but it was too late to save her.

What to do if your animal has been poisoned.

If you suspect or know that your dog or cat has eaten a poison bait, you must contact your nearest veterinarian IMMEDIATELY. Do not delay action or wait for your pet to exhibit symptoms.

If poisoning is suspected, induced vomiting may help to reduce the amount of toxin absorbed by the gut (but you must still take your pet to your nearest veterinary practitioner as soon as possible). Your veterinarian will be able to advise you how to do this safely. However, if you have it available, placing 2-3 washing soda crystals on the back of the tongue should cause vomiting.

Senior Constable Peter Smith notes that many the owners receive abusive and threatening letters, hand-delivered to their mailbox prior to poison offences being committed.

It’s at this point  you really need to take very decisive action to protect your pet. As mentioned, surveillance or keeping the four legged family member inside should be high on your options list.
You might also like to think about ways to calm your animals down if noise is an issue. Ask friendly neighbours whether your dogs are making lots of noise when you’re out, and if so, be proactive in controlling that.

Remember with these neighbours from hell, you are dealing with sneaky vengeful people who won’t want to have a chat with you over the front fence.
No-one deserves the devastation of losing a beloved pet through these horrendous acts so take immediate steps when harm could be near.

FIND OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH NOISY POOCHS HERE

HOW TO SOLVE MOST NEIGHBOURHOOD DRAMAS HERE

Working out what is in the best interests of the kids

Much of family law in Australia is based on doing what is in the best interests of the children.

So what exactly does “the best interests of a child” mean? You might think it means one thing, while your former spouse might think it means something entirely different. As a lawyer, I see this this quite a bit!

To set your minds at ease and to guide you, the Family Law Act tells you exactly what this vague expression means.

Best interests of the child are primarily:

• The benefit to a child of having a meaningful relationship with both parents.

• The need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence.

But additionally they are also:

• Any views expressed by the child. (Particularly as the child gets older eg. teens)

• The nature of the child’s relationship with parents and others, including grandparents.

• The extent to which each parent has taken, or failed to take, the opportunity to participate in making decisions about major long-term issues in relation to the child and to spend time with the child and to communicate with the child.

• The extent to which each parent has fulfilled his or her obligations to maintain the child.

• The effect on the child of any changes in the child’s circumstances.

• The practical difficulties and expense involved in spending time with and communicating with a parent, and the impact on a child of maintaining personal relationships and direct contact regularly with both parents.

• The capacity of each parent and others to provide for the child’s needs. (Poor mental health could be an issue here)

• The maturity, sex, lifestyle and background of the child and parents. (Immaturity, drug use etc. come in to play here)

• The child’s right to enjoy Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander culture, where relevant.

                
• Each parent’s attitude to the child and to parenting.

• Any family violence involving the child or a member of the child’s family. (This is very important)

• Any family violence order. (Very important again)

• The desirability of making the order that is least likely to lead to further proceedings.
(Here the court tries to play fair with orders so it won’t see the two of you again. But that sometimes is a big misjudgement!)

• Any other fact or circumstance the court thinks relevant.

It’s a lot to take in. The most important or primary things to consider are ensuring your child has a meaningful relationship with both of you and is protected from any violent or potentially violent and/or abusive situation. You can probably guess that the law considers violence and abuse prevention is the most important thing to get right when it comes to your kids.

Separating parents usually understand most of these considerations and work out between themselves how their children will be looked after and where they will live without the courts becoming involved and imposing conditions. I can assure you if you can do this by putting aside your feelings about each other and not treating the kids as pawns you will be well on your way to a hassle free divorce.

Coming to an agreement

Now there are 3 different ways both of you can come to an agreement:

1  A Simple Informal Agreement

♦ Keep the agreement informal by simply coming to an understanding between the two of you as to what will work best for the kids. If you can do this there’s no need to put things in writing.

2  A Parenting Plan

♦ Make a formal parenting plan. This is an agreement in writing made, signed and dated by both parents. The plan deals with parental responsibility; who the child lives with; who they spend time and communicate with; what child support might be involved and other issues. Take a look at the parenting plan info to find out more.

The great thing about a parenting plan is that you don’t need to go to court to get this organised. But it’s important to remember that a parenting plan is not valid unless it was made voluntarily, without any threats, duress or coercion.

As parents you should normally only sign a parenting plan after seeking advice from a lawyer. I say this because a lawyer or experienced legal drafter (lawyer-drafters are much cheaper) has probably done a parenting plan many times prior to seeing you and they can often pinpoint things that may not occur to you to include in your plan.
For example, you might want special days like your birthday to always be a day when you can see your kids. This is good to have in the plan as it may not be your turn to have the kids when certain special days occur.

And always keep in mind those “best interests of the child” considerations when developing your plan.

3  Obtaining Consent Orders

♦ A more official way to sort out your parenting plans if you are both in agreement is to obtain consent orders approved by a court. A consent order is a written agreement that you both agree to that covers parenting arrangements for children. It can also include financial arrangements such as property division and any maintenance requirements that might be needed. Not following consent orders can have serious consequences and you may need to explain to a Judge why you breached the orders that you agreed to.

This is because consent orders have the same legal effect as if they had been made by a judicial officer after a court hearing. It is a document you would both prepare in consultation with your lawyers who will then come up with a single agreement you are both in favour of and send it to the court for approval. Normally you shouldn’t need to appear in court for these orders.

And once again, the court must be satisfied that the orders you ask for are in the best interest of the child.

Here’s a fact sheet on applying for consent (and other) orders from the court.

When you can’t seem to work things out

Sometimes despite giving it your best shot, it may be difficult to reach an agreement (or a fair one) about what will happen with the kids. You might also not want to negotiate with your ex if there could be the possibility of endless arguments or even worse, violence.

If you’re in this predicament you can apply for a parenting order.

But not so fast because there is a process you must go through before the court considers issuing orders about how the kids are to be parented.

The Family Law Act (aka ‘the law’), requires you to obtain a certificate from a registered family dispute resolution practitioner before you file an application for a parenting order. It’s called a 60I certificate.
Family dispute resolution can be done through any accredited family dispute resolution practitioner or Family Relationship Centre.

How family dispute resolution works

Firstly, before any family dispute resolution (FDR) takes place, you are assessed to see if the service is right for your case. Usually, the two of you are interviewed separately to see if FDR is going to work.

The process is conducted by an accredited family dispute resolution practitioner who can help you both discuss any issues you have and how from that you might be able to work out an agreement with a parenting plan.

Finally, it is comforting to know that any FDR discussions you have are confidential and can’t be used in court against you.

So in summary

♦ If you try FDR and it doesn’t work out, or

♦ If your ex did not attend FDR due to the refusal or failure, or

♦ If one of you doesn’t attend FDR because the practitioner did not consider it would be appropriate to conduct FDR…

You still get your 60I certificate, which must accompany your application for a parenting order.
This is what the certificate looks like

There are several important exceptions where you won’t need a 60I certificate including:

♦ If the matter is urgent.

♦ If the Court is satisfied that there are reasonable grounds to believe that there has been child abuse and/or family violence by a party.

♦ There is a risk of family violence by one of you, and/or there is a risk of child abuse if there was a delay in applying to the Court.

♦ Where one of you can’t participate effectively in family dispute resolution for reasons of incapacity, illness or simply living too far away from a dispute resolution practitioner.

♦ If your application relates to an alleged contravention of an existing order that was made within the last 12 months, and there are reasonable grounds to believe that the person who has allegedly breached the order has betrayed in a way that shows a serious disregard for their obligations under that order.

What does the court consider when issuing parental orders?

Let’s start by looking at some big misconceptions about how the court makes decisions.

◊ Firstly, women don’t always get the kids. In fact the latest court statistics show that judges made orders for children to spend a majority of their time with their mother in only 62% of cases.

◊ Secondly, the person who initially leaves the relationship and the children may still be able to care for the children in the future. There are all sorts of reasons why people might have to leave initially, and the court will assess the circumstances behind anyone leaving and not just make simple and biased decisions.

◊ Thirdly, blaming the relationship breakdown on one person and then saying that they shouldn’t get the kids means very little to the court. The court doesn’t want to know about the ‘ins and outs’ of your personal relationship. It’s whether a parent’s behaviour affects the children is much more relevant.

◊ Finally, neither of you are necessarily entitled to 50:50 equal time. The court will look at what is in the child’s best interests, and issues of practicality.

In essence, a parenting order is a court order that states who has what responsibilities for the children. These orders cover areas like who the kids live with and who (and when) they spend time with. In the parenting orders there may be reference to where and how the kids are schooled and other things of relevance to their care, like their special needs or medical treatment.

For more detailed information on parenting orders take a look at this great brochure from the Victorian Legal Aid HERE.

Am I entitled to child support?

Regardless of whether or not you’re married, you’re entitled to support from your former partner if you jointly care for a child. We have a great section on child support HERE. The Department of Human Services also has information about child support HERE.

Did you know?
The court may not grant you a divorce if you both haven’t made proper arrangements in all the circumstances for the care, welfare and development of your children who are under 18.

If the court doubts that these arrangements have been made the proceedings in your divorce application may be delayed (adjourned) until the court receives a report from a family consultant regarding those arrangements.

So get those details right for your under 18’s.

Oh… and for those 30 something ‘children’ you still might have at home, for heaven’s sake show them the door and set them free!

For free legal information – check out our resources section HERE.

NEED ASSISTANCE IN YOUR FAMILY LAW MATTER?

If you need help with your family law matter please let us know.
We know full service lawyers are very expensive and so The Legal Eagle team offers self representing mums and dads low cost legal services in a wide range of areas. Led by experienced family lawyer and legal drafter Mark Bradbury, we’ve shown our wonderful clients for over 7 years that you CAN manage your legal matter… without running up ridiculous lawyer fees.

For further information please contact our wonderful paralegal Abbey at abbey@TheLegalEagle.com.au
or make an appointment HERE