Recently, I had a very angry client who assured me he was taking control of his life and had done much research on Google and had even bought some self help books to turn his post marriage life around.
He assured me that with new book at hand and Dr Google on standby he would have a rosy future.

As a lawyer, I often feel torn as to whether I should be providing just plain ol’ legal advice or instead advice on calming down and taking stock of unhappy emotions. Unhappiness and ongoing anger towards your ex is never going to get you good parenting or property solutions either at the negotiating table or at court.
But I think it needs more than a book or a slightly frustrated (but caring) lawyer to help that.

In our stressed out constantly connected world, never a day goes by without a self-help book, seminar, columnist or online blogger assuring us our problems can be solved, moods changed, and our perfection realised with just a few sure fire pieces of advice. 

You see “self-help” is primarily very big business.  

Lindsay E. Myers, a national healthcare consultant notes that the self-improvement industry is worth around $10 billion per year in the U.S. alone.  Year after year, people from broken relationships keep feeding their insatiable appetites for someone’s opinion on how they can better manage their minds and lives.  Myers’ notes that self-help has a high recidivism rate, with the most likely purchaser of a self-help book being the same person who purchased one already in the last 18 months.

Take a quick look at the current crop of gurus and soothsayers sitting atop of the Amazon best sellers list:

• • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
    

• • Balancing in Heels: My Journey to Health, Happiness, & Making it all Work
  • Calm the F*ck Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring in Book

Lord have mercy,  a “self-help” colouring-in book!

But I do wonder, if these tomes are so effective at solving our problems why do they usually result in a continuing stream of self-help purchases?  Perhaps we should put down the colouring-in book and instead  join the dots to deduce why self-help ain’t making us or our marriages and relationships better. 

You’ve probably noticed that little voice inside your head. The one that clings to petty grievances, or dislikes of someone or thing, like an tiresome spouse or partner making a daily visit to regurgitate the whining they did yesterday.  This mind noise can end up becoming part of our psyche.
Why can’t we just stop thinking about this nonsense and be more like our ever friendly, non-grudge holding…canine friends.
You see dogs never get addicted to their emotions and that’s probably why they make great companions (unlike that grumpy partner)

Dr Joe Dispenza, author of the best selling “Evolve Your Brain: The Science Of Changing Your Mind”, reminds us that most people are unaware of how addicted they are to their emotions‚ and how the brain perpetuates those addictions automatically.
In short‚ we become slaves to our emotional addictions without even realising it.   

As Joe states: “every time we fire a thought in our brain, we make chemicals, which produce feelings and other reactions in the body.” Our body grows very accustomed to these chemicals, like the ‘happy’ chemical dopamine which comes about with the joy of finding what you are seeking, or the satisfaction of enjoying a meal. 

Dr Dispenza warns us that we  do nearly everything we can, both consciously and subconsciously, to restore our familiar chemical balance. His belief  is that any interruption in the regular, consistent and comfortable level of our chemical makeup results in distress.  Consequently, changing those persistent moods and negative feelings just doesn’t feel right.   In fact, if your regularly angry and then have a ‘good’ day, your body will start to miss those anger related chemicals it is so use to. No need to wonder why certain people predominantly carry the same unhappy disposition. 

What if we were to be mindful and observe these negative patterns of thought‚ and start to rewiring the brain with new thoughts through some simple daily meditation?

Meditation can help break the cycle of unhappiness with ourselves and others. When you take the steps to stop the flow of negative ‘noise’ and imagine goodwill and compassion for others, you also become kinder to yourself.
You can also become a more composed, relaxed and better negotiator when it comes to sorting out your parenting and property matters. Or would you rather the lawyers do it in a “battle royal”… and charge you accordingly?

I like to remember how much I lived in awe of my wonderful bull terrier Scoobi, who we lost five years ago, and his approach to life. Even when chastised, he never held a grudge or carried an unhappy disposition. He just learnt his lessons and moved on with an ever present wagging tail. If I was ever unwell or angry he instinctively gave his unconditional doggy compassion, rather than worrying. He never spent a second regurgitating the daily mind noise we all seem to accept.
Overthinking would of ruined his nature. 

So Why Not Give Meditation A Chance.

I mean you don’t have to follow the meditation described below, for example some people just like to find some quiet time to sit and not think of anything for 10-15 minutes but it’s not as easy as it sounds folks when you have so much on your mind.

Meditation to remove negativity plus create goodwill for others

You will need around 10-15 minutes for this one, and remember to find a spot that is quiet and free from distraction.

1. Take the time to practice a little breath counting meditation for say 5 minutes, to calm the body and empty your mind. Remember, just focus on observing the in-breath and the path it takes, and the number (1-5) on the out-breath. Restart once you get to 5. If your mind starts wandering around the 3 mark, just remind yourself that 3 is the important halfway breath that must not be distracted! If thoughts do pop up that are distracting just acknowledge them and… send them on their way!
   Once you have finished this warm up, tell yourself that you are going to now meditate to remove the negatives and suffering experienced by ALL living beings (yes, not just yourself but even your ex you can’t stand)
   Say to yourself at the start:  May all beings be happy, fulfilled and receive my compassion.
2. On the in-breath visualise a white light entering your nostrils, streaming down your throat and filling your entire being. The white light is your positive energy. Visualise yourself  with the out-breath getting rid of present and future suffering of all in the form of black smoke, repeat this process until you feel you have exhaled all your present and future suffering, and have replaced it with something much better, a radiant joy.
3. You can use this to firstly deal with your own troubled headspace, but then use the same meditation to visualise others for whom you would like to send positive thoughts, both friends and enemies, to help rid their dissatisfactions and unhappiness. You’ll be creating some great karma in your life.
   Again, your ‘mantra’, if you get distracted is: for all beings to be happy, fulfilled and to receive your compassion.

Imagine this white light as having the same effect as a powerful antidepressant, except it’s a totally natural one. And practise this everyday so you can take charge of any odious negative noise and make it something positive.
For as Gandhi said:   

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

I’m sure dear old Scoobi would have felt exactly the same way.

*With thanks to David Michie author of:  “Buddhism for Busy People”

Many (overpaid) lawyers will tell you that when mediation fails, the only way you can get good co-parenting happening is through applications to the court.
The problem with this suggestion is two fold.
Firstly, it assumes that you have the funds to pay the said overpriced lawyer, at hourly rates that tend to start at $300 per hour, for the completion of initiating applications, affidavits, and  notice of risk forms. All these are mandatory if you want to go to court. Affidavits in particular can be very time consuming documents to draft as they are in effect your evidence and have to be pinpoint perfect for the court. We regularly hear from people who have had to pay upwards of $10,000 for the privilege of getting this done. And sometimes that fee doesn’t even include a quick appearance for you at court!

Secondly, the assumption that going to court will get things happening is pretty much bulldust.
You want justice? Well you might like to think about this. Going to court is a lengthy process and nothing happens quickly because you are in essence handing over the decisions relating to parenting to the courts. Even worse, you are doing this in a “battleground” atmosphere.
Good luck with getting anything done with speed in that environment.
And with the courts this “process” can drag on for years. Yes that’s right years and years…so tell me where is the parenting outcome that is in the best interests of a child if it takes 3 years to get it?

At court you will have your mention hearing which you might have to wait 3 months for, then months later you will have a directions hearing and months later (if you still can’t work anything out by consent) an interim hearing and on and on and on until you will eventually have (with horns locked) a final hearing.
On top of this you will also have on average no change left from $50,000-$100,000.
Gotta love that justice eh?

Why does early mediation fail?
Bringing two people together while they are still unhappy with each other is fraught with difficulty.
Suspicion is rampant and trust is minimal at best. So you sit down together and after one or two sessions are meant to work out parenting and in many cases property divisions? Yer right.
There are more 60i certificates (the piece of paper you get when mediation fails so you can go to court) being produced these days than there are 5 cent pieces in circulation. And both of them are pretty useless!

Now I don’t want to blab on about the bad stuff but rather give you today an idea about how to get a parenting plan in difficult times started. Often when there is one parent who ain’t interested in mediation and ‘gung ho’ about going to court, you have to appeal to their common sense AND hip pocket. What is most important is any overture you make to a difficult or suspicious parent is that you ensure they play an equal part in coming to that agreement.

I often write to parents about getting them involved in putting together parenting plans and I want to share with you a recent letter that encourages this. The names have been removed for confidentiality but it involves a separated couple with one child who has just started school.

Here’s the opening gambit from me…

RE: Without prejudice offer towards an informal parenting plan

Dear [x],

My name is Mark Bradbury, I am a family lawyer and founder of Australia’s largest family law website The Legal Eagle. [ www.TheLegalEagle.com.au ]

For the last 7 years, my work with The Legal Eagle has focused on helping parents find low cost solutions to any potential parenting problems, and where necessary, supporting people who are self representing and need to go to court to get things sorted.

Recently, [x] has spoken to me to seek help with organising a parenting plan so that both of you can avoid the expensive and time consuming process of having your parenting issues dealt with by the court.

You may have read how mums and dads end up spending 10s of thousands of dollars and up to 2 years going through the court process to basically get nowhere.
I don’t want this to be the case for you and [x].

I want to make it clear that I am not retained as X’s lawyer. I am simply here to help get you both a parenting agreement that is reasonable and most importantly in the best interests of your daughter.

[x] tells me that you have put on the table for discussion a possible 50/50 time arrangement regarding parenting. Many parents wrongly believe  that under the law they have a right to spend half of all time each week or fortnight with their children. However this is not how the Family Law Act and the courts see good coparenting.

What the Family Law Act in Section 60CC (2)(a) states is that when it comes to parenting:

The primary considerations are:

                     (a)  the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both of the child‘s parents; and

                     (b)  the need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence.

And here the word “meaningful” doesn’t translate to 50/50. I know it’s something you have thought about but in my experience courts tend to be more interested in not changing the primary carer role once a parent (in this case [x]) has been successfully doing that for a number of years and the child is in a settled routine, particularly when it comes to school weeks.

If you can put aside the idea of 50/50, [x] is prepared to give you more time during the week.
On this, she wanted you to know that she thinks you are a really good dad and is happy to give ground and allow you to enjoy extra time with [X].

[x] is happy to offer you
[here you talk about  the offer from the parent and hopefully that offer gives a little ground]. 

As you both share the school holiday time, I would propose you both have in your agreement that you each take half of the gazetted school holidays with one parent having the first half in odd number years and the other taking first half in even numbered years.

Negotiating is about giving ground and I hope you will appreciate the gestures from [x].
If you have any feedback or suggestions let me know and we can keeping working on this until we have a consensus.

As [x] gets older, you will both find that she starts to have her own voice about parenting and I can only say that if you and [x] are working well as a team on coparenting it will be much easier for [x].

[x], I would really appreciate it if you could be involved in getting this agreement finalised so that you both have something in place for the beginning of the school year in 2020.

Thank you so much for your time and please send your feedback to me directly when you have a moment.

Mark Bradbury
BA LLB (Hons) GDLP
Founder
The Legal Eagle.com.au 

Each letter I do like this is tailor made. There is no magic template because I am reaching out to a very important person in the other parent and trying to convince them of the value of having an informal but written up parenting agreement.

And even though these agreements are not binding, most mums and dads who sign up for them undertake their responsibilities and adhere to them. And where there are moment of conflict over the years with an agreement there is always a clause in it allowing for mum and dad to work things out before so court is always avoided. And having someone like me in the background is good for both parties if simple (and neutral) guidance is needed.

Let’s face it anything is better than being bankrupted by the family court!

If you need help with your family law matter please get in touch.
The Legal Eagle is run by experienced lawyers but we do not charge high lawyer rates. 
You can make a free 15 minute short appointment to find out more or book a proper appointment by visiting this  LINK