The Joy of Separation!

Most of us have a very theatrical vision of what a separation after a relationship breakdown must look like. There’s the quick transition to a new (and improved) home, the smokin’ hot physical transformation and piles upon piles of his trousers – the crotch cut out of each pair – lying in your wake.

The reality of a separation might be a little, well… different, but it’s certainly no less dramatic with an increasing number of couples continuing to live under the same roof after the relationship breaks down. “I wouldn’t say it’s common, but it’s certainly not unusual, says lawyer Amy Honan, who explains that the inability to financially support two households is often the primary cause of such an agreement. “Rents are high, house prices higher and if you don’t have family support close by to lend a hand or provide a roof, it can be tough to go out on your own.”

While Honan doesn’t recommend such an agreement in cases where there’s a lot of hurt and animosity, or cases where domestic violence – physical or otherwise – is present, she says it can work for some couples. “As I tell my clients, it’s really a question of asking yourself whether your mental health will be affected by continuing to live together,” she says.

Think it’s something you could attempt? Here’s what you need to know.

The pros and cons of being separated under one roof
Should the situation be tenable, there are several advantages to staying under the one roof. The major plus here is that it gives both parties time to sort their finances adequately so they’re not hitting the ground running.
“It minimises risk of defaulting on loans as parties are able to consolidate their expenses in the interim,” explains Honan. The other is that it gives couples with kids a chance to continue co-parenting their children under the one roof and working together to help little ones deal with the breakup as a family unit.

“This only works if the couple have parted amicably, however,” warns Honan. “Most parents do their best to shield their children from the ugly side of a breakup, but kids are more perceptive than we realise so you do need to ask yourself whether continuing to live together might negatively impact the children.”

The main disadvantage (besides the possibility of your children living in a hostile environment)? A lot of hurt and anger can continue to bubble to the surface as you continue to see one another, a factor which can prevent you from healing or moving on.

“I’ve seen clients who take turns staying at friends’ places, and division of houses, but regardless of the size of space you have, no one knows how to push your buttons quite like your partner or recent ex-partner so tensions can mount quickly.”

This isn’t to say it can’t work, but it’s a situation where no one shape fits all.

Making it work
Before you come to any agreement, it’s a good idea for both parties to seek support from a counsellor during the initial stages of a separation, as well as advice from a family lawyer.

“Generalised advice can point you in the right direction, but speaking to a family law professional about your own personal circumstances can make a huge difference to what happens next,” she says. “If you have children together, they’ll help you get a parenting plan in place, and give you advice on financials such as ensuring your mortgage redraw facilities requires joint signatures, changing beneficiaries, pins and passwords, and even how to stash sentimental items away from the house.

If you’re receiving, or plan to receive, any government payments, you will need to have a Separated Under One Roof assessment with the Department of Human Services.
[Here’s the form they will get you to fill in.]

Each person will need to explain why they need to continue living under the same roof, and provide evidence of a relationship breakdown. Third party statements will usually be sought and your financial, super and healthcare institutions may be contacted.

It’s best to speak with Human Services to get advice on your particular situation but don’t forget it’s essential to contact them immediately you start any deal that would be interpreted as separated but living under the same roof. “If you end up reconciling yet continue to collect benefits, you’ll end up with a nasty debt,” warns Honan. “And this can quickly turn what should be a happy time in your lives, to a potentially nasty one.”

And of course when you do end up filing for divorce after your separation period there will be an additional form to fill and an affidavit to confirm you were separated but living under one roof.
And don’t forget to check out the Eagle’s guide on how to separate HERE.
And what happens to the kids when you separate HERE.

Spare a thought at this time of the year for the introvert.
And the introvert is indeed no rare bird. Susan Cain, author of the best selling Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, estimates that around 50% of us have the qualities that make up an introverted personality.
For introverts the holiday season often means an onerous obligation to be around extended family and friends, grappling with endless rounds of small talk and ‘family inquisitions’. This for an introvert can truly play havoc with their need for down time, alone time and a quiet space to simply recharge the batteries.

As Emily Keeley, introvert and blogger, stated: “Just to be clear — introverts don’t hate people, nor do we hate fun. We know how to relax, and we don’t want to be alone all the time. Introverts just operate a little differently from extroverts. We’re not big on small talk, we like to have our social interactions spaced out, and we prefer to operate alone or in small groups — all the things the holidays don’t really afford us.”
And as many of you are aware, the holiday season can be stressful, often bringing relationships to the boiling point. So when the heat is on how does an introvert cope with the end of a relationship and indeed, the divorce process?
Laurie Helgoe, in her book Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength mentions that introverts have a willingness to honestly reflect on events like the breakdown of a relationship. Helgoe believes that this capacity to self reflect can be an asset after a divorce in that it better prepares an introvert for their next relationship.
But the downside of a broken relationship and divorce can often relate to the whole process of divorce, the planning and logistics that go into talking to an ex spouse about property and parenting arrangements; having to meet with lawyers, mediators and organisations like Relationships Australia; and of course having discussions about the divorce with well meaning (or sticky beak) family members. As Jennifer Kahnweiler, the author of The Genius of Opposites states, “With each new appointment an introvert has to add to their Google Calendar, a little part of them dies”.
Kahnweiler, an introvert herself, believes that the key to an introvert surviving the breakdown of a relationship and the divorce process is to monitor energy flow and be mindful of the need to take breaks amidst the chaos. She also suggests that communicating feelings about the end of the relationship through journaling or writing emails to family and friends can also provide comfort.

But the power of being able to sit down with someone you trust and talk when a relationship is over should also be in the mix. The problem here is that by their very nature introverts are careful about who they become friends with and often don’t have a large support network. It’s at times like divorce that introverts should endeavour to make the most of their support networks, even if that requires emerging more from the sanctum of their inner comfort. Sophia Dembling writer of Love: The Quiet Way To Happily Ever After has some words of wisdom for introverts going through divorce:
“While I always encourage introverts to respect their quiet, homebody nature, there are times when you’re wise to ignore your first instinct. Instead of being holed up – let others drag you out and about, just to keep you connected and remind you of the possibilities in life.”
Finally, for blogger “Introvert, dear” the whole thing about relationships and re-entering the dating game was crystal clear. When mentioning why she shied away from dating after a divorce, she pondered whether it was the pain of the divorce finally catching up with her but instead came to the conclusion that as an introvert… she simply just liked being alone!

Does what the kids feel actually matter?
Our Family Law Act in Australia makes it pretty clear that  the ‘best interests of the children’ is the main consideration for the court when making decisions about parenting. But what indeed happens when Mum and Dad separate and the kids don’t want to spend time with the parent who isn’t the primary carer?
A recent decision in the Federal Circuit Court (Weller & Weller [2017]), makes a decision that leaves little doubt that the opinion of the children isn’t an overriding reason to stop dad (or mum) from having visiting rights.

This case involved two children, aged 11 and 14. They had told both the mother, and the court appointed Family Consultant, that they were very unhappy and resistant to spending time with their father. One of the children, during a ‘Child Conference’, said to the Family Consultant that their father, on a visit to his home at Christmas, had made them stand out in the rain with all the Christmas presents he had given them because he said they had been ‘ungrateful’.
The court in its judgement noted that it is not for children to decide where they live, and if they spend time with the parent with whom they do not live. This is a matter for the parents, and if the parents cannot decide or agree, and if there is an appropriate application before the Court, then it is a matter for the Court.

The Court of course is bound to follow both the Family Law Act, and previous decisions in the court, in determining primary considerations like this. 
And in doing this, the Court must give greater weight to the need to protect children from physical or psychological harm and from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence than to the benefit to the children having a meaningful relationship with both of the parents. It must ensure that any order it makes does not expose a child to an unacceptable risk of family violence.

But if the issue of violence is not in the mix, as was the case here, the Court must apply the provisions of section 65DAA of the Family Law Act which looks at children spending EQUAL time with their parents.
However, where Court finds that it is not in the children’s best interests or practicable (think here where a parent lives a considerable distance away from the children), then the Court must consider the children spending substantial and significant time with the parents. Of course these words ‘substantial’ and significant’, don’t have any fixed meaning.

The two children in this matter attended ‘reunification therapy’ and in one of the sessions, when their mother was also present, they all brainstormed in how they could repair their relationship with the father, including:
More compromise and discussion relating to activities they would do together; a rule regarding not swearing; that Dad would attempt to ‘not to get so angry’ and that both parents would agree not to say negative things about the other parent in the presence of the children or on social media.
[The Legal Eagle covered “the destructive powers of parents dissing each other on Facebook” HERE.]
Later at a different session, where the father attended with the children, this feedback from the children regarding their  feelings as well as their concerns regarding contact with the father was passed on to him.
The children and the father agreed on a range of things that they would each try and work on to improve their relationship. A “Contract” was drawn up which listed, among other things, the following matters:
1. No swearing
2. No unkind comparisons 
3. No bum touching
4. No calling one child fat
5. Replying to msgs and calling Dad
6. No rushing by Dad

Even though the kids were unhappy with spending time with Dad because of his off putting and at times insensitive behaviour, the court felt that the issues raised by the children were not enough to allow them to stop seeing him. While the Court appreciated that children see things differently to adults, and that in children’s eyes some things may appear more important than they would in an adult’s eyes, but it’s role is to consider ALL of the available evidence and make an assessment based on the evidence. The court did allow for a final Family Report to be done to assess whether the future visits were working well for all concerned before final orders relating to parenting were put in place.

In these sort of matters the court does have wide discretion to the weight it gives to certain factors. As children move closer to an adult age, their opinions are often given much more weight. The strength of their views, and the length of time they have held them is also important. Additionally, if the child’s views are well thought through, or are as a result of pressure on the child, will also have weight in the court making parenting decisions.

As the court noted in this matter, “The Court is charged with the task of assessing what is in these children’s best interests, and it does this by, in part, turning its mind to weighing the probabilities of competing claims and the likely impact on children in the event that controversial assertions are acted upon or rejected. This includes the possibility of these children continuing along a trajectory of a fractured relationship with their father which may well be on its way to being beyond repair, if it is not already.”

And indeed what is the greatest risk in the long term?
Is the risk of losing a child’s relationship with one parent the greater risk?
It is here that the long term affect, throughout a person’s life, of having no contact with one parent can have devastating and psychological consequences.

Find out about more about what happens to the kids when you separate HERE.