Why do so many people stay in relationships that are not good for them? Is it that our brains are hard wired to believe there is still love when there isn’t? Are unhappy couples waiting to divorce or separate after the kids have left home? Does a long term relationship, like my grandparents, mean enduring the good and the bad or maybe even the belief that marriage vows must be stuck to in “matrimonial sickness” and health.
Let’s take a look at the 7 warning signs that it may be time to end your relationship.

Your needs aren’t being met
Every person has different “requirements” that need to be met in a relationship, according to Julie Wadley, founder and CEO of matchmaking and coaching service Eli Simone. These needs can be emotional, like wanting quality time with your partner, or functional, like requiring them to competently manage money.

When one partner feels that the other isn’t fulfilling a requirement, Wadley says, it’s important to communicate that. If that person’s partner isn’t willing to try harder to fulfill that need, it’s probably time to move on, she says.

One of the reasons people stay in relationships that don’t meet their needs stems from the negative views our society has about being single, according to Wadley. It may seem like if they leave the relationship, they may never find something better. But Wadley says that mentality wastes valuable time and perpetuates a person’s unhappiness. “You could be taking that time to find someone who will give you what you need,” she says.

You’re seeking those needs from others
When you get promoted at work or you’re faced with a family emergency, who is the first person you want to tell? In a fulfilling, healthy relationship, the answer to those questions should be your partner, according to Wadley.

It’s great to have trusted colleagues at work, but Wadley says if you’re constantly turning to a “work husband” or “work wife” for support, it may be a sign that you’re not getting the support you need from your partner. “If you’re like, ‘I have a choice between talking to my boyfriend and talking to my guy friend, the guy who is constantly giving you that emotional affirmation that I need — I’m going with the friend,’” Wadley says, “Something’s not right.”

If either you or your partner is seeking emotional or physical fulfillment from people outside of your relationship, Wadley says it’s a clear indication that it’s probably time to end the relationship.

You’re scared to ask for more from your partner
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about what you need and may not be getting from your relationship. But Wadley says open lines of communication are essential to lasting, healthy partnerships.

“People may think, ‘That’s going to make me sound needy and emotional,’” says Wadley. Instead of speaking up, they suppress how they feel, continue on with their dissatisfaction and feign contentment out of fear of feeling like a burden.

“Then something happens that breaks the camel’s back,” she says. And the argument that ensues can wind up being more damaging to the relationship than it would have been if you had addressed it sooner. Hiding your true feelings about how your partner is treating you likely prolongs the unfulfilling relationship, rather than saves it, according to Wadley. If you can’t get past the fear of confronting your partner, it’s probably time to seek help or part ways, she says.

Your friends and family don’t support your relationship
Lindsay Chrisler, a New York-based dating and relationships coach says you should take stock of how your trusted family members and friends feel about your relationship. “If nobody in the community supports your relationship, that’s a red flag,” she says. If the people who love and support you see that the person you’re in love with isn’t making you happy, it’s a good idea to listen to their opinions, according to Chrisler.

If you decide to push aside your friends’ and family’s concerns, it may lead to another sign that it’s time to let go of the relationship: “You’re starting to lie to your friends, you’re starting to lie to yourself,” says Chrisler. When you isolate yourself from your loved ones in order to avoid listening to their concerns, they’re probably right — the relationship probably isn’t, she says.

You feel obligated to stay with your partner
People are more likely to stay in relationships that they’ve already invested time and effort in, a 2016 study published in Current Psychology found. This is similar to a money investment phenomenon known as the “sunk cost effect.” A prior investment leads to a continuous investment, even when the decision doesn’t make you happy.

“When it comes to people and relationships, time does not necessarily equal success,” says Wadley, who added that many of her clients are reluctant to leave an unhappy relationship because they want to reap the rewards of their investment.

But simply investing more time in a relationship with someone you love won’t fix the problems. If both partners aren’t willing to work to fulfill the other’s needs, the relationship probably isn’t worth more time. Of course, when two people are in love and have spent years together or have started a family together, there is a stronger incentive to work out the problems, says Chrisler. Her advice is to seek couples’ counseling if both partners want the relationship to work. But she caveats that you should set a time limit of one year.

“If you spend too much time in indecision, it will erode the foundation of the relationship to the point where you can’t really make it back,” she says.

After about a year of actively working on the relationship and unsuccessfully trying to meet each other’s needs, the difficult decision to break up is likely the best decision, according to Chrisler.

You don’t like your partner
While it may sound counterintuitive, Chrisler says you can actually be in love with a person you don’t like. If that’s the case, you may get by day to day, but it will be nearly impossible to make it through difficult times together.

All couples have disagreements, but people in healthy, loving relationships keep the mindset that “this is my friend, and I’m going to get through this with this person,” Chrisler says. “And I don’t know how you get through those things without liking them.”

Still, it’s never easy to walk away from someone you love — even when the relationship isn’t working, according to Chrisler. The key, she says, is to listen to the logical part of your brain, instead of submitting to the euphoric chemical reactions that love can cause.

Your partner is abusive
It’s possible for people in an abusive relationship to love an abusive partner. One in four women and one in 10 men have been victims of intimate partner violence, according to a 2015 survey conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. A 2010 study conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health found that more than half of the women surveyed saw their abusive partners as “highly dependable.” One in five of the women surveyed said the men possessed significant positive traits, like “being affectionate.” Researchers found that these views contributed to some victims staying in abusive relationships, among other reasons — like isolation, extortion and physical violence.

When it comes to abuse of any kind, Chrisler says it’s crucial to safely find a way out. “It’s difficult to get out of those relationships,” she says. “You have to really love yourself.”

If you are considering divorce, check out our resources HERE

The Joy of Separation!

Most of us have a very theatrical vision of what a separation after a relationship breakdown must look like. There’s the quick transition to a new (and improved) home, the smokin’ hot physical transformation and piles upon piles of his trousers – the crotch cut out of each pair – lying in your wake.

The reality of a separation might be a little, well… different, but it’s certainly no less dramatic with an increasing number of couples continuing to live under the same roof after the relationship breaks down. “I wouldn’t say it’s common, but it’s certainly not unusual, says lawyer Amy Honan, who explains that the inability to financially support two households is often the primary cause of such an agreement. “Rents are high, house prices higher and if you don’t have family support close by to lend a hand or provide a roof, it can be tough to go out on your own.”

While Honan doesn’t recommend such an agreement in cases where there’s a lot of hurt and animosity, or cases where domestic violence – physical or otherwise – is present, she says it can work for some couples. “As I tell my clients, it’s really a question of asking yourself whether your mental health will be affected by continuing to live together,” she says.

Think it’s something you could attempt? Here’s what you need to know.

The pros and cons of being separated under one roof
Should the situation be tenable, there are several advantages to staying under the one roof. The major plus here is that it gives both parties time to sort their finances adequately so they’re not hitting the ground running.
“It minimises risk of defaulting on loans as parties are able to consolidate their expenses in the interim,” explains Honan. The other is that it gives couples with kids a chance to continue co-parenting their children under the one roof and working together to help little ones deal with the breakup as a family unit.

“This only works if the couple have parted amicably, however,” warns Honan. “Most parents do their best to shield their children from the ugly side of a breakup, but kids are more perceptive than we realise so you do need to ask yourself whether continuing to live together might negatively impact the children.”

The main disadvantage (besides the possibility of your children living in a hostile environment)? A lot of hurt and anger can continue to bubble to the surface as you continue to see one another, a factor which can prevent you from healing or moving on.

“I’ve seen clients who take turns staying at friends’ places, and division of houses, but regardless of the size of space you have, no one knows how to push your buttons quite like your partner or recent ex-partner so tensions can mount quickly.”

This isn’t to say it can’t work, but it’s a situation where no one shape fits all.

Making it work
Before you come to any agreement, it’s a good idea for both parties to seek support from a counsellor during the initial stages of a separation, as well as advice from a family lawyer.

“Generalised advice can point you in the right direction, but speaking to a family law professional about your own personal circumstances can make a huge difference to what happens next,” she says. “If you have children together, they’ll help you get a parenting plan in place, and give you advice on financials such as ensuring your mortgage redraw facilities requires joint signatures, changing beneficiaries, pins and passwords, and even how to stash sentimental items away from the house.

If you’re receiving, or plan to receive, any government payments, you will need to have a Separated Under One Roof assessment with the Department of Human Services.
[Here’s the form they will get you to fill in.]

Each person will need to explain why they need to continue living under the same roof, and provide evidence of a relationship breakdown. Third party statements will usually be sought and your financial, super and healthcare institutions may be contacted.

It’s best to speak with Human Services to get advice on your particular situation but don’t forget it’s essential to contact them immediately you start any deal that would be interpreted as separated but living under the same roof. “If you end up reconciling yet continue to collect benefits, you’ll end up with a nasty debt,” warns Honan. “And this can quickly turn what should be a happy time in your lives, to a potentially nasty one.”

And of course when you do end up filing for divorce after your separation period there will be an additional form to fill and an affidavit to confirm you were separated but living under one roof.
And don’t forget to check out the Eagle’s guide on how to separate HERE.
And what happens to the kids when you separate HERE.

Spare a thought at this time of the year for the introvert.
And the introvert is indeed no rare bird. Susan Cain, author of the best selling Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, estimates that around 50% of us have the qualities that make up an introverted personality.
For introverts the holiday season often means an onerous obligation to be around extended family and friends, grappling with endless rounds of small talk and ‘family inquisitions’. This for an introvert can truly play havoc with their need for down time, alone time and a quiet space to simply recharge the batteries.

As Emily Keeley, introvert and blogger, stated: “Just to be clear — introverts don’t hate people, nor do we hate fun. We know how to relax, and we don’t want to be alone all the time. Introverts just operate a little differently from extroverts. We’re not big on small talk, we like to have our social interactions spaced out, and we prefer to operate alone or in small groups — all the things the holidays don’t really afford us.”
And as many of you are aware, the holiday season can be stressful, often bringing relationships to the boiling point. So when the heat is on how does an introvert cope with the end of a relationship and indeed, the divorce process?
Laurie Helgoe, in her book Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength mentions that introverts have a willingness to honestly reflect on events like the breakdown of a relationship. Helgoe believes that this capacity to self reflect can be an asset after a divorce in that it better prepares an introvert for their next relationship.
But the downside of a broken relationship and divorce can often relate to the whole process of divorce, the planning and logistics that go into talking to an ex spouse about property and parenting arrangements; having to meet with lawyers, mediators and organisations like Relationships Australia; and of course having discussions about the divorce with well meaning (or sticky beak) family members. As Jennifer Kahnweiler, the author of The Genius of Opposites states, “With each new appointment an introvert has to add to their Google Calendar, a little part of them dies”.
Kahnweiler, an introvert herself, believes that the key to an introvert surviving the breakdown of a relationship and the divorce process is to monitor energy flow and be mindful of the need to take breaks amidst the chaos. She also suggests that communicating feelings about the end of the relationship through journaling or writing emails to family and friends can also provide comfort.

But the power of being able to sit down with someone you trust and talk when a relationship is over should also be in the mix. The problem here is that by their very nature introverts are careful about who they become friends with and often don’t have a large support network. It’s at times like divorce that introverts should endeavour to make the most of their support networks, even if that requires emerging more from the sanctum of their inner comfort. Sophia Dembling writer of Love: The Quiet Way To Happily Ever After has some words of wisdom for introverts going through divorce:
“While I always encourage introverts to respect their quiet, homebody nature, there are times when you’re wise to ignore your first instinct. Instead of being holed up – let others drag you out and about, just to keep you connected and remind you of the possibilities in life.”
Finally, for blogger “Introvert, dear” the whole thing about relationships and re-entering the dating game was crystal clear. When mentioning why she shied away from dating after a divorce, she pondered whether it was the pain of the divorce finally catching up with her but instead came to the conclusion that as an introvert… she simply just liked being alone!