[With acknowledgement and thanks to our “two sides” to the debate, Neil Fizzell and Jane Gordon]

There are two sides to every coin so let’s have a look at the arguments for whether there is a good moment in a child’s life when the least amount of damage is done to children by divorce or separation.
There is a “good” age for children’s parents to split if they must says Neil Fizzell – but Jane Gordon begs to differ.

A good time for divorce?
New research shows there is a “good” age for children’s parents to split, writes Neil Fizzell.

The phrase “staying together for the children” has always struck me as nonsense. Ever since, as a nine-year-old standing by a blue sofa, I begged my parents to get divorced – knowing that I was yet again going to be ignored – I have seen the tissue of lies that sticks to those words. They are as stupid as the phrase “it’s what they would have wanted” at a funeral.

What often holds an ill-matched set of parents together isn’t familial duty but financial interdependence, fear of being alone, illness, religion, conditioning, complacency or cowardice.

And the longer you, as a child, have to live in a house tarnished by disharmony, violence, discord or depression, the worse it will be for you; not just in that moment, but for your ongoing mental and relationship health.

So it came as no surprise to me to read new research, from University College London, which says that parental divorce is less harmful if it happens in early childhood.

According to the analysis of 6000 children born in the UK, those who were aged seven to 14 when their parents split are 16 per cent more likely to suffer emotional and behavioural problems than those whose parents stay together

Big news, you might say. Children from discordant homes fare worse than those whose parents are in a loving relationship.

But what is really interesting is that children who were between three and seven when their parents separated showed no differences to those whose parents were still together.

In short, if you’re going to break up, better to do it sooner, rather than wait until your children are older and more likely to form harmful patterns of behaviour themselves.

My parents – a couple so spectacularly ill-suited that even their best man, in his wedding speech, made a joke about their throwing crockery at each other – spent my childhood on and off. They finally separated for good three weeks before my A-levels

The timing was spectacularly bad and I told them that if they ever dared get back together, I would never speak to either of them again: a promise I was fully prepared to keep.

The effect of all this instability and absence and uncertainty was to give me a hardline and total disbelief in long-term lasting love for all of my teens and most of my 20s, until finally (with much help from partners and professionals) I started to see that emotional interdependence can actually be healthy, as well as dangerous.

Of course, having your parents separate is painful, sad, destabilising, scary and a logistical nightmare.

Anyone in the “broken home” gang will recall the nasty, slinking presence of a parent as they go around the house taking items from shelves and out of cupboards before leaving the family home

We will all remember the sobbing adults on the stairs; grim weekends of enforced “quality time” with an estranged parent; the terrible, silent dinners.

But all that is, I would argue, far better than spending your formative years under house arrest with two people who loathe each other.

Better to have a disorientating break while you’re young, than to suffer years in the company of two people enacting a corrosive war of insults, screaming, lying, gaslighting, sulking, infidelity or violence, centimetres from where you’re trying to do your homework.

The idea that you are somehow protecting your children by exposing them to the most poisonous elements of human behaviour is laughable

It is also a heinous injustice for children to be made aware, either explicitly or unconsciously, that their parents are staying in a state of loveless misery “for their sake”.

As though the burden of responsibility is yours; that if you weren’t around, these two people would have gone their merry ways years ago.

Luckily, my parents were so unmistakably incompatible that I never fell for this lie.

I knew, for as long as I can remember, that they were caught in a web of fear, laziness and lust that had nothing to do with me.

So when, during one of their separations, I was reassured by kindly adults – a teacher, a friend’s parent – that this wasn’t my fault, my answer was always: “I know. It’s theirs.”

The UCL study, published in the journal Social Science and Medicine, also reported that, on average, mothers experienced more mental health problems if they separated when children were older.

This is, in part, because the financial impact of divorce is more severe for a woman the later it happens in a marriage – that is, once your income, investments and belongings are as intertwined as a hedge full of bindweed.

What this says to me is that if we really wanted what was best for our children then we would all, men and women, strive for an end to the gender pay gap, regulation of private landlords, free childcare – all the things that keep many couples stuck in loveless marriages and many children, like me, living in homes damaged by them.

No good time for divorce?
No, there is no “good time”. Jane Gordon says that, if she had her chance again, she’d have worked at it.

The seven adults, one child and a dog gathered around a table in a London pub last Sunday probably looked like the perfect multi-generational family.

We were celebrating the birthday of my youngest daughter with a brunch that was, for me, as bitter as it was sweet.

Because, despite the illusion of unity we gave off to the people seated at neighbouring tables, we are in fact a broken family. Divided some 15 years ago by divorce.

The fact that we can all get together on special occasions and have fun is proof, I suppose, that we have achieved what some might call a “civilised” or “amicable” separation.

But the truth is that divorce is rarely civilised and almost never amicable.

The breaking-up of a family is always going to be painful and the idea that there is ever a “good” time to divorce is, I think, misleading.

It isn’t, of course, either possible or desirable to turn the clock back to change the events that caused my ex-husband and I to part.

But I do believe that if I had known then what I know now, I might have worked harder at holding our marriage together.

Our breakdown was not a sudden thing but a slow moving apart.

In the last few years, I was more absorbed in my children – then aged 21, 19 and nine – and my career, than I was in my relationship with my husband. While he, feeling increasingly isolated, switched off.

At the time, our problems seemed insurmountable – a future apart seemed preferable to a future together.

But had someone told me the truth about divorce – explained to me exactly how, in the years ahead, it would impact on our lives and the lives of our children – perhaps we might still be together.

Instead, we both bought into the idea that by divorcing we could achieve a “clean break” and a “fresh start”. Neither of which, in the event, worked out.

While we did move on to new relationships, they, too, broke down and today we are both single and, yes, sometimes lonely in a way that confirms my belief that divorce is never a good thing.

And it doesn’t mean you are going to be any happier than you would have been staying together.

I do worry that telling parents it’s better to divorce when the children are under seven will discourage them from working through the humps of unhappiness that any marriage goes through.

Divorce, I now believe, can only ever be seen as a favourable option to marriage in the most desperate of circumstances.

No marriage is ever perfect, but most are probably good enough.

But, at the time of my break-up, I didn’t understand this great truth.

It wasn’t until my parents died, a few years later, that I realised the true impact my divorce would have.

Their deaths – within six months of each other, after 60 years of strong, but far from perfect, marriage – made me realise what, in deciding to separate, I had denied my own three children.

They might not have lost their parents when we divorced, but they lost their family home and the continuity of life that makes the journey from child to adult so much more comforting and secure.

The fact that I have not given my own children the security and unity that I took for granted, will always be a source of shame and regret.

Don’t forget to check out some of our FREE family law resources:  HERE
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In the US and Australia, the divorce rate has been steadily declining since the 1980s.
That’s quite a surprise to me in this ever increasing self absorbed world we’re living in.

However, the latest research reported in The New York Times suggests about one-third of current marriages will end in divorce — not the 50 per cent statistic that gets thrown around time and time again. Unfortunately, that means there’s still a decent chance you and your partner will split up, even after pledging lifelong devotion to each other. That idea leaves room for a lot of questions:

What makes a divorce more likely? What will happen to our kids if we do split up? What will happen to my health? To help address some of these queries, let’s take a look at the relevant research on the predictors and consequences of marriage failure.

Before we start have you ever wondered about whether the stress and expense of putting on a lavish wedding has on the long term outcome of a marriage? According to the researchers: “As compared with spending between $6000 and $15,000 on the wedding, spending less than $1500 is associated with half the hazard of divorce in the sample of men, and spending $25,000 or more is associated with 1.6 times the hazard of divorce in the sample of women.” 
Remember that full blown wedding of Salim Mehajer?
All the bells and whistles didn’t stop that marriage ending acrimoniously.

Now before we begin keep in mind that all these studies mentioned below offer general takeaways about modern relationships — no one can predict with 100 per cent accuracy what will happen to yours.

1. You are less likely to divorce if you marry in your late 20s

Research led by Nicholas Wolfinger, a professor at the University of Utah, found that contrary to a long-held belief, waiting longer to wed doesn’t necessarily predict a stronger marriage.

Instead, the best time to marry seems to be between the early 20s and early 30s. If you wait until you’re older than 32, your chances of divorce start to creep up (though they’re still not as high as if you get married in your teens).

As Wolfinger writes on the Institute for Family Studies blog, “For almost everyone, the late twenties seems to be the best time to tie the knot.”

2. You are most likely to divorce in after a major holiday period

2016 research presented at the American Sociological Association found that post major holidays  bring spikes in divorce applications.

In the paper, they suggest that holidays represent something like “optimism cycles” — we see them as a chance to start anew in our relationships, only to find that the same problems exist once they’re over. The researchers also suspect that oftentimes our holiday experiences can be stressful and disappointing, laying bare the real issues in our marriage. As soon as they’re over, we’re ready to call it quits.

3. Husbands who work less may be more likely to divorce

Well who would of thought that less work would result is marriage unhappiness.

However, a recent Harvard study couples suggests that it’s not a couple’s finances that affect their chances of divorce, but rather the division of labour.

When the researcher looked at heterosexual marriages that began after 1975, she learnt that couples in which the husband didn’t have a full-time job had a 3.3 per cent chance of divorcing the following year, compared with 2.5 per cent among couples in which the husband did have a full-time job.

Wives’ employment status, however, didn’t much affect the couple’s chances of divorce.

The researcher concludes that the male breadwinner stereotype is still very much alive, and important for marital stability.

4. The myth that women who have had more sexual partners are more likely to divorce

Wolfinger conducted another analysis that found, among heterosexual couples who married in the 2000s, women who had between three and nine sexual partners were in fact less likely to divorce than women who’d had two partners (their husband and one other person).

Women who had at least 10 partners were most likely to divorce.

Meanwhile, among heterosexual couples who married in the 1980s and 1990s, women who had two or three sexual partners were more likely to get divorced than were virgins or women who had at least 10 sexual partners.

In a statement, Wolfinger distilled the lessons from this research: “If you’re going to have comparisons to your [future] husband, it’s best to have more than one.”

5. Couples closer in age are less likely to divorce

One study found that the odds of divorce among heterosexual couples increase with the age gap between the spouses.

As Megan Garber reported at The Atlantic: “A one-year discrepancy in a couple’s ages, the study found, makes them 3 per cent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 per cent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 per cent more likely.”

6. Lavish weddings may predict less successful marriages

Well as previously mentioned, it ain’t the size of your cake that makes a marriage work.
In fact, spending a lot on your wedding doesn’t necessarily bode well for the marriage itself.

According to the researchers: “As compared with spending between $6500 and $15,000 on the wedding, spending less than $1500 is associated with half the hazard of divorce in the sample of men, and spending $25,000
or more is associated with 1.6 times the hazard of divorce in the sample of women.”

At the same time, the study found that having a lot of guests at your wedding predicts lower odds of divorce. My Thai friends will certainly be relieved to know that, where less than 100 guests is seen as odd. Couples with 200 or more invitees are 92 per cent less likely to divorce than couples who don’t invite anyone, The Atlantic reported.
So a simple wedding with lots of friends seems to be the perfect combo!
A pity dear Salim couldn’t work that out.

7. Divorce may contribute to heart problems in women

Recent research suggests that women who get divorced are more likely to suffer a heart attack than women who stay married.

As Time‘s Alice Park reported: “Women who divorced at least once were 24 per cent more likely to experience a heart attack compared to women who remained married, and those divorcing two or more times saw their risk jump to 77 per cent.”

For men, however, the chances of suffering a heart attack only went up if they divorced two or more times.

8. Divorce itself might not have a negative impact on kids

Instead, as Rebecca Harrington reported at Tech Insider, it seems to be conflict between parents that takes a toll on their children.

In fact, in one recent study, children whose parents fought a lot and then divorced were less likely to get divorced as adults than children whose parents fought a lot and didn’t get divorced. The researchers say that’s possibly because the divorce put a kind of end to the ongoing family conflict.

9. Couples who display contempt are more likely to divorce
Well I guess this is certainly stating the obvious but there are studies to prove it.

Relationship expert John Gottman’s research, which suggests that contempt — a mix of anger and disgust that involves seeing your partner as beneath you — is a key predictor of divorce.

It’s not simply getting into a fight; it’s how you respond to your partner afterwards: Do you try to see things from their perspective or just assume they’re an idiot?

If it’s the latter, try replacing the behaviour with a more positive, patient reaction. It could save your marriage.

Don’t forget to check out all our free legal resources on family law HERE.

[With thanks to Business Insider for some content contribution]

At times of separation and divorce I often see very reasonable people morph into very difficult people. The task of putting together a fair and workable parenting plan is often clouded in by the animosity and resentment of folk who are still ‘red hot’ angry and not  thinking clearly because of the split.

Don’t get me wrong, most of these people truly want the best future for their children, but not necessarily for each other. Time is a great healer when it comes to that, but parenting arrangements just can’t wait. They need to be done and done well so that kids have stability and routine in their lives. How do you get a great one worked out post the split when emotions are on the boil?

Let me tell you something, you need to firstly calm down and not bother with any point scoring or game playing with the ex. Traps are often set by the other party to stir the pot, paint you as a bad parent and create barriers. Ignore them and don’t play along.
Keep focused on one thing only- a plan that is in the best interests of your child(ren).
The more you play another parties’ games, the more you will feel the need to fight rather than plan.
Wear them down with your cool clearheadedness.😉

Why? Because a well thought through and workable parenting plan is worth it’s weight in Kalgoorlie gold. Think of it as an easy to follow roadmap that will get you off of those confusing unmarked back roads of parenting after divorce or separation. A plan that tells you what your roles are is a necessity for success for you AND a real calmer for the kids.

So what exactly is a parenting plan?

A parenting plan is a voluntary agreement that covers the day to day responsibilities of each parent, the practical considerations of your kids’ daily life, as well as how the two of you will agree and consult on important long-term issues about the kids. The plan can be changed at any time as long as both parents agree.

Who can make them?

To be a parenting plan under the Family Law Act (the law relating to this), your plan must be made and signed by both parents. However, other persons, such as grandparents or step-parents, can be included in a parenting plan.
And on that point I want to tell how wonderful and supportive 99% of grandparents are to both parties and how much kids just adore them.

Make sure that you type up the agreement, date it and please ensure that you both sign it. It does not need to be witnessed. This is an agreement of trust between the two of you and is not legally enforceable. It’s like saying we don’t want to drag this through the courts because we have this plan which we both think is in the best interests of our kids.

Importantly, it must be made free from any threat, duress or coercion.

Not sure about an informal agreement?

If you’re not at a very high trust level with an informal agreements you can make an application to the court to have your plan sealed by the court. These are called ‘Parenting Orders by Consent’. It’s a fairly simple process and you won’t have to spend much (if any) time in court to get this finalised.

Once made, these orders are legally binding – they have the same effect as any other parenting order made by a court.

98% of kids want time with mum and dad

If parents can’t work out parenting arrangements it’s off to court you go and much of power you both have ends up under the scrutiny of the Judge’s discretion based on the evidence presented. Simply, it’s an awful process and everyone gets very stressed by courts. If your self representing it’s a very hard time indeed.

The court must consider the most recent parenting arrangement or parenting plan when making parenting orders in relation to the kids and the extent to which both parents have complied with their obligations in relation to the child, which may include the terms of a failed parenting plan.

Before I describe the benefits of having an effective parenting plan, let me describe what happens when you don’t have one, or have only a bare bones excuse for a plan. Your kids pay the price.

• They end up missing out on time with one parent or the other
• They miss out on time with their friends or participating in activities
• They may not receive timely or adequate medical care
• They may not receive important psychological care
• They lose touch with grandparents and other extended family
• They feel frustrated, sad, disappointed, and angry much of the time because their lives aren’t working very well
• They resent their parents for getting divorced in the first place or for putting them in the middle of parental disagreements or power struggles

There are a number of reasons that parents end up with only a minimal or ineffective parenting plan. Chief among them is that parents are trying to think through how they are going to parent their children after divorce or separation during one of the most stressful, emotion-filled times of their lives. It is an overwhelming, daunting task for even the best of you guys and gals.

If that sounds like either of you, call in a mediator like Relationships Australia to help the two of you work things out. Lawyers can be helpful but they are very expensive so I encourage you to save money and start with a mediator.

The drafting of a parenting plan is important and can also be done relatively inexpensively.

What can be included in a parenting plan?

Your plan will be unique to your circumstances. It should be practical, simple and as concrete as possible. A parenting plan can deal with any aspect of the care, welfare aspect of the care, welfare and development of a child.

The kinds of things that may be covered in a plan include:

♦ How the parents will share parental responsibility and consult about decisions (like which school the child will attend)
♥ Who the child will live with
♦ What time the child will spend with each parent
♥ How and where the changeovers are to occur
♦ What time the child will spend with other people, such as grandparents
♥ How the child will communicate with each parent or other people (eg by phone, email or letters)
♦ What arrangements need to be made for special days, such as birthdays and holidays
♥ What process can be used to change the plan or resolve any disagreements about the plan
♦ Any other issue about parental responsibility or the care, welfare and development of the child.
♥ What financial responsibilities will each parent have (outside of Child Support) for all the odds and ends expenses that pop up (School trips, uniforms, sports activities, special outings, miscellaneous health appointments etc)
♦ A timetable to evaluate and change the parenting plan if needed

Please note that any changes to the care arrangements for your children can affect child support, income support and family assistance payments. If you have a parenting plan and Child Support (CS) has a copy of it, CS can base your care levels in your child support assessment on the care levels outlined in the plan.

If your parenting plan specifies amounts for child support payments, CS cannot enforce it unless it is also a valid child support agreement and you or the other parent ask CS to accept it. However, parents who agree to less child support than the amount assessed under the child support formula can do so, as long as they get legal advice. Don’t forget he amount of Family Tax Benefit Part A you receive is based on CS’s formula assessment, not the child support agreement.

What Does ‘The Best Interests Of The Child’ Mean?

When you make decisions about your child their needs must come first. So naturally the most important thing for you to consider is what is best for your child. Children have the right to know both their parents and the right to be protected from harm.

However, the safety of your child(ren) must come first when considering your child’s best interest. These are important things to think about. If there is a history of one parent being aggressive or involved in any form of emotional, psychological or physical abuse, it will be difficult to get anything more than supervised time in a parenting plan. However cooperation and good behaviour during supervised visits  can open the way for unsupervised time.  If the kids are in their adolescent years you might want to think about any views they’re expressing about where they live and go to school. Relationships and time with extended family significant to them (such as their grandparents) also shows a real concern for your kids’ best interests.

Equal shared parental responsibility?

Except where there are issues of violence or abuse, the law presumes that it is in the best interest of a child for the parents to have equal shared parental responsibility. This does not mean that the child should spend equal time with each parent. Rather, equal shared parental responsibility means that both parents have an equal role in making decisions about major long-term issues that affect their children, such as schooling and health care. If you agree to share parental responsibility, you will need to consult with each other and make an effort to come to joint decisions about long-term issues. However, when the child is spending time with you, you will not usually need to consult on decisions about things like what the child eats or wears because these are not usually major long-term issues.

Benefits of a Well-Designed Parenting Plan

Earlier I said that having a well-designed plan is worth it’s weight in gold to parents. I mean that. When the day-to-day decisions of your life as a parent are planned for and running like clockwork, children and adults alike can breathe easy. When you know how you are going to handle special events, holidays, vacations, medical care etc. your brain and your blood pressure are going to thank you. Of course there will always be some event that hasn’t been planned for – just to keep you on your toes! After all, we are talking about human families here. But generally, your life and the lives of your children will go much more smoothly.

Here are just a few of the many benefits of having a good parenting plan:

• Peace of mind for adults and children
• Less stress
• You put a safety net under your children so they don’t fall through the cracks
• You are able to focus on parenting your children when they are with you rather than fighting with the other parent
• You and your children have a schedule that provides emotional safety and routine
• You are able to make plans for the times when you have your children with you and when they are with the other parent
• You are able to avoid going back to court to solve parenting disputes

What Goes Into an Effective Plan?

Remember this about your parenting plan: one size does not fit all. The plan you and your child’s other parent develop will be as unique as each of the individuals in your divorced family. The ideal plan will take into consideration all of your family members’ needs – especially your children’s needs.
Try to see this experience through your children’s eyes. It will likely be quite different from yours.

Essential Elements

• A clear, well defined schedule including provisions for holidays, vacations, school vacations etc.
  
• Outline of who is responsible for making decisions and how those decisions are made if both parents are responsible.
• A plan for who provides transportation to the other parent’s home and to extracurricular events etc.
• A plan for financial responsibilities for each parent.
  
• A plan for specific parenting responsibilities (e.g. who stays home when a child is sick; who goes on school field trips and other events; who helps with homework; who takes kids to medical and dental appointments etc.)
  
• A forum for managing disagreements when they arise.
  
• A system for sharing information.
  
• A timetable to evaluate and change the parenting plan if needed.

Dr. Robert Emery, an eminent American psychologist and expert in family relationships and children’s mental health believes that separating parents fall into three types. Sometimes they stay fixed in these types and sometimes they move forward because they know it will benefit the kids.
The types include:
Angry: Couples in angry divorces/separations feel rage and pain vividly, have trouble letting go of the relationship, and may be so enmeshed in conflict that emotionally they are as involved in each other’s lives as they were when together.

Distant: Where parents keep their marital conflict pretty well hidden from their children. Many parents with a distant divorce are extremely hurt and angry or frustrated and resentful, and the distance helps keep their rumbling volcanoes from erupting. Distant divorcers are child centered and competent parents. In fact it may be their commitment to their children that keeps them from going to war.

Cooperative: These parents are rare, at least in the beginning. Cooperative divorces/separations generally involve parents who understand children and empathise with their feelings, and who accept their responsibility as parents. They have done a good job of protecting children from marital conflict.

Now let’s apply these considerations to some sample parenting plans.

Sample Parenting Plan for Early School Age Children from 6-9 Years

Angry:

• Every Friday from after school until 5:00 P.M. Saturday.
  
• Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. Friday until 4:00 P.M. Sunday. Alternate Mondays from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M. on the Monday following the weekend spent with the residential parent.

Distant:

• Every Friday from after school until 5:00 P.M. Saturday. Every Monday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.
  
• Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. Thursday until 4:00 P.M. Sunday. Alternate Thursday evenings from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.

Cooperative:

• Every Thursday from 5:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday.
  
• Every Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday with one parent; every Saturday at 5:00P.M. until 3:00 P.M. on Wednesday with the other parent.
  
• Every Monday and Tuesday with one parent; every Wednesday and Thursday with the other parent. Alternate weekends from Friday through Sunday with each parent.

Clearly, the cooperative has more flow, flexibility and trust and although it may not be a starting point for you it’s something both parents should be aiming for.

Parenting plans are challenging and involve giving ground and respectful negotiation. They get done at a difficult time for everyone so utilise the assistance of a good mediator if your communication with each other is poor.

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Check out some of our FREE family law resources HERE