Do you have an ex whose favorite pastime is bad-mouthing you? Take the high road!

Although most divorced people occasionally say something less than kind about their former spouse, some turn ex-bashing into an Olympic event. These are usually high-conflict individuals (HCIs) who defend against the pain of divorce by blaming their ex for everything. HCIs have distorted ways of thinking, and cannot see their part in problems. They need a target, and if you’re their ex, that’s you! Don’t expect them to ever change their behavior, and do develop strategies for deflecting their drama.

Dealing with the bad mouther

• Don’t defend yourself. When someone twists reality to spin outrageous, inflammatory tales about you, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. Resist the urge! You will just give your ex another opportunity to climb onto his or her self-righteous pedestal and tell you 97 more terrible things about yourself. Yes, your ex’s slanderous statements are hurtful, but they are distortions. The next time you’re tempted to defend yourself, repeat this mantra: “What my ex thinks about me is none of my business.”
• Use disarming statements. Politely decline your ex’s invitation to a verbal or email/text bloodbath by using disarming statements: “you may be right;” “I’ll think about that;” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Your ex is expecting you to get upset. Responding in a calm, non-reactive fashion may seem like you’re “giving in,” but the opposite is true. You’re not agreeing with your ex; you’re taking your power back by ending a fight.
• Don’t match your ex’s intensity. Imagine that your ex is a toddler having a tantrum. What’s the best way to handle that situation? By having your own tantrum? Or remaining calm and setting limits? You don’t have to respond to every hostile text, email, or voice mail. Or, you can choose to respond by stating: “It sounds like you’re upset. I don’t think we’re going to have a productive conversation right now. When you’re done being angry, I’ll be happy to discuss this.” If your ex counters by slinging more barbs, hold your boundaries and don’t respond.
  
  

There are some situations where you may need to confront the bad-mouthing: your child’s school staff or doctors have been told you don’t have custody, and other parents are declining playdate invitations because they’ve been told you’re evil. Here are some sane ways to address the crazy.

• Don’t counter-attack your ex. Launching into an emotionally charged, detailed explanation of why your ex is actually the crazy one will confuse people, confirm their misguided notions about you, or make them feel pressured into choosing sides. Don’t do this!
• Present your side of the story calmly and factually. Pretend you’re a reporter; address the bad-mouthing by delivering facts to the contrary. If your ex has told school staff that you’re an unfit parent who lost child custody, show them the custody agreement. Give your contact info to medical staff so they know you exist and are an involved parent. Without going into a lot of details, tell parents of your child’s friends that your ex’s allegations are distorted or untrue and you’re sorry they’re being exposed to drama. Urge people to contact you directly if they have a question or concerns.
• Don’t get emotional. It’s natural to feel angry and upset when people say bad things about us. But if you comer across as volatile or capable of whatever your ex is saying about you, then people may believe what they’ve heard. You can’t control what others think, but you can control your own behaviors.
• Detach. Your ex’s comments and others’ faulty beliefs have nothing to do with your worth. They may not even have much to do with reality. Hitching your self-esteem to other people’s transient opinions will just make you miserable. Focus on being the best person you can be and let go of the need for approval.

Talking To Your Kids

If your children have bought into your ex’s propaganda, you need to address it. Pretending everything is fine is like pretending the elephant in the room isn’t really there. Your ex is attempting to damage your children’s relationship with you, and their ability to think critically. While you cannot stop your ex, you can do things to present your side of the story.

• Acknowledge the bad-mouthing. Name bad-mouthing as a problem but don’t respond with your own bad-mouthing, i.e., “your father’s a nightmare and is out for revenge.” Instead, acknowledge that your ex says bad things about you and focus on the impact on your kids: “What you’ve heard may have scared you, or made you angry.”
• Confront distortions with facts. Contrary to popular divorce wisdom, saying nothing won’t make the problem go away. Your ex is emotionally abusing your children by trying to damage their bond with you. The antidote to gas-lighting is presenting facts. For instance: “I arrived for visitation, but you weren’t there. I texted and called your mother, but she didn’t respond. If there’s an emergency and I’m not able to see you, I will always let you know and tell you when the next visit will be.”
• Teach your children self-agency. Your ex is trying to control what your kids think, so give them permission to think for themselves. Tell them to talk to you directly if they have concerns about you. Don’t pressure them to believe your side of the story; instead, let them know they have a right to their own feelings and opinions. Not only are you teaching your kids how to think independently, but you are also showing them that you’re safe to talk to.
  

Remember: what your ex says is a reflection of them, not you. You can choose not to take it personally. The best way to respond to bad-mouthing is to behave in ways that make you feel good about yourself.

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Recently, I had a very angry client who assured me he was taking control of his life and had done much research on Google and had even bought some self help books to turn his post marriage life around.
He assured me that with new book at hand and Dr Google on standby he would have a rosy future.

As a lawyer, I often feel torn as to whether I should be providing just plain ol’ legal advice or instead advice on calming down and taking stock of unhappy emotions. Unhappiness and ongoing anger towards your ex is never going to get you good parenting or property solutions either at the negotiating table or at court.
But I think it needs more than a book or a slightly frustrated (but caring) lawyer to help that.

In our stressed out constantly connected world, never a day goes by without a self-help book, seminar, columnist or online blogger assuring us our problems can be solved, moods changed, and our perfection realised with just a few sure fire pieces of advice. 

You see “self-help” is primarily very big business.  

Lindsay E. Myers, a national healthcare consultant notes that the self-improvement industry is worth around $10 billion per year in the U.S. alone.  Year after year, people from broken relationships keep feeding their insatiable appetites for someone’s opinion on how they can better manage their minds and lives.  Myers’ notes that self-help has a high recidivism rate, with the most likely purchaser of a self-help book being the same person who purchased one already in the last 18 months.

Take a quick look at the current crop of gurus and soothsayers sitting atop of the Amazon best sellers list:

• • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
    

• • Balancing in Heels: My Journey to Health, Happiness, & Making it all Work
  • Calm the F*ck Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring in Book

Lord have mercy,  a “self-help” colouring-in book!

But I do wonder, if these tomes are so effective at solving our problems why do they usually result in a continuing stream of self-help purchases?  Perhaps we should put down the colouring-in book and instead  join the dots to deduce why self-help ain’t making us or our marriages and relationships better. 

You’ve probably noticed that little voice inside your head. The one that clings to petty grievances, or dislikes of someone or thing, like an tiresome spouse or partner making a daily visit to regurgitate the whining they did yesterday.  This mind noise can end up becoming part of our psyche.
Why can’t we just stop thinking about this nonsense and be more like our ever friendly, non-grudge holding…canine friends.
You see dogs never get addicted to their emotions and that’s probably why they make great companions (unlike that grumpy partner)

Dr Joe Dispenza, author of the best selling “Evolve Your Brain: The Science Of Changing Your Mind”, reminds us that most people are unaware of how addicted they are to their emotions‚ and how the brain perpetuates those addictions automatically.
In short‚ we become slaves to our emotional addictions without even realising it.   

As Joe states: “every time we fire a thought in our brain, we make chemicals, which produce feelings and other reactions in the body.” Our body grows very accustomed to these chemicals, like the ‘happy’ chemical dopamine which comes about with the joy of finding what you are seeking, or the satisfaction of enjoying a meal. 

Dr Dispenza warns us that we  do nearly everything we can, both consciously and subconsciously, to restore our familiar chemical balance. His belief  is that any interruption in the regular, consistent and comfortable level of our chemical makeup results in distress.  Consequently, changing those persistent moods and negative feelings just doesn’t feel right.   In fact, if your regularly angry and then have a ‘good’ day, your body will start to miss those anger related chemicals it is so use to. No need to wonder why certain people predominantly carry the same unhappy disposition. 

What if we were to be mindful and observe these negative patterns of thought‚ and start to rewiring the brain with new thoughts through some simple daily meditation?

Meditation can help break the cycle of unhappiness with ourselves and others. When you take the steps to stop the flow of negative ‘noise’ and imagine goodwill and compassion for others, you also become kinder to yourself.
You can also become a more composed, relaxed and better negotiator when it comes to sorting out your parenting and property matters. Or would you rather the lawyers do it in a “battle royal”… and charge you accordingly?

I like to remember how much I lived in awe of my wonderful bull terrier Scoobi, who we lost five years ago, and his approach to life. Even when chastised, he never held a grudge or carried an unhappy disposition. He just learnt his lessons and moved on with an ever present wagging tail. If I was ever unwell or angry he instinctively gave his unconditional doggy compassion, rather than worrying. He never spent a second regurgitating the daily mind noise we all seem to accept.
Overthinking would of ruined his nature. 

So Why Not Give Meditation A Chance.

I mean you don’t have to follow the meditation described below, for example some people just like to find some quiet time to sit and not think of anything for 10-15 minutes but it’s not as easy as it sounds folks when you have so much on your mind.

Meditation to remove negativity plus create goodwill for others

You will need around 10-15 minutes for this one, and remember to find a spot that is quiet and free from distraction.

1. Take the time to practice a little breath counting meditation for say 5 minutes, to calm the body and empty your mind. Remember, just focus on observing the in-breath and the path it takes, and the number (1-5) on the out-breath. Restart once you get to 5. If your mind starts wandering around the 3 mark, just remind yourself that 3 is the important halfway breath that must not be distracted! If thoughts do pop up that are distracting just acknowledge them and… send them on their way!
   Once you have finished this warm up, tell yourself that you are going to now meditate to remove the negatives and suffering experienced by ALL living beings (yes, not just yourself but even your ex you can’t stand)
   Say to yourself at the start:  May all beings be happy, fulfilled and receive my compassion.
2. On the in-breath visualise a white light entering your nostrils, streaming down your throat and filling your entire being. The white light is your positive energy. Visualise yourself  with the out-breath getting rid of present and future suffering of all in the form of black smoke, repeat this process until you feel you have exhaled all your present and future suffering, and have replaced it with something much better, a radiant joy.
3. You can use this to firstly deal with your own troubled headspace, but then use the same meditation to visualise others for whom you would like to send positive thoughts, both friends and enemies, to help rid their dissatisfactions and unhappiness. You’ll be creating some great karma in your life.
   Again, your ‘mantra’, if you get distracted is: for all beings to be happy, fulfilled and to receive your compassion.

Imagine this white light as having the same effect as a powerful antidepressant, except it’s a totally natural one. And practise this everyday so you can take charge of any odious negative noise and make it something positive.
For as Gandhi said:   

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

I’m sure dear old Scoobi would have felt exactly the same way.

*With thanks to David Michie author of:  “Buddhism for Busy People”

Everyone wants to be good neighbours and when they aren’t, life can be hell. It’s not until something goes wrong with a tree, fence, noisy dog, noisy neighbour or retaining wall that relationships can turn sour.

Fences are the No.1 cause of disputes among neighbours. The Dispute Settlement Centre of Victoria (DSCV) found that 38 per cent of the neighbourhood disputes were over fences.

A timber fence that was erected 40 years ago when the land was subdivided may now be showing signs of rot. According to the law, neighbours have to come to a solution on a “sufficient dividing fence” and pay half each.

Disagreements arise when neighbours are deciding if it should be fixed, replaced, what the colour or height should be and the cost. One neighbour may think it would be fine to fix a few palings, while the other may want the whole side replaced.

Problems also arise with agreeing to what is “sufficient”. The fence may need to be higher for one neighbour due to privacy, or to contain a pet. If one neighbour wants a fence that is more expensive, then they have to pay more than the other neighbour, which again can lead to arguments.
Find out about your rights under the law and remedies with fencing – HERE

Amanda Hickey is a mediator and helps neighbours come to a resolution. She finds many fencing disputes are about where to erect them and getting a surveyor to determine the exact boundary line, which costs money that no one wants to pay.

“You find older people stay in their house for a long time. They seem to be attached to their fences and they have a whole story about why it should be in spot X but it’s in spot Y,” she says.

Noise complaints come in second place as a cause for frustration for neighbours.
In NSW, 18 per cent of all neighbourhood disputes handled by the Community Justice Centre (CJC) were noise-related and of those, 57 per cent were barking dogs.

If the noise is late at night or very loud and excessive, the police can be called. But what if the dog barks every morning when the owners leave for work?

What if the neighbour’s child starts to learn the drums and plays every afternoon when the nearby baby is trying to sleep?

Power tools in the early morning and air conditioners running all night are other causes of friction.
And of course there is the endless barking and carry on from some unneighbourly dogs.
Find out about what you can do about neighbour noise – HERE
And crazy out of control dogs – HERE

The third largest cause of friction among neighbours is trees. In Victoria, complaints concerning trees account for 17 per cent of all disputes. A jacaranda planted 15 years ago may look lovely until the branches start growing over the neighbour’s fence, blocking views.

In 2017, of all NSW tree disputes, 68 per cent were applications concerning a tree causing damage to a property or injury to a person, while 32 per cent were applications concerning a hedge severely obstructing sunlight or views.
Even a beautiful jacaranda tree can cause neighbourly disputes.
Also, root systems don’t adhere to property boundaries. Roots can grow under fences and disrupt the pipes of neighbouring households.

There are no simple rules about who is responsible for pruning or cutting down a tree that affects neighbours, which can cause more disagreements.
Check out your legal rights and remedies concerning trees and fences – HERE

Adrian Mueller is a strata lawyer and finds the fourth, and the most difficult, dispute among neighbours is retaining walls.

The lack of legislation and the expense to fix a retaining wall means neighbours can spend a long time in court trying to come to an amicable resolution.

“They take a long time as there is a lot at stake. If it is about to collapse, one day there is a big storm and it comes crashing down,” he says. “The clock is ticking, it is not covered by insurance and no one wants to pay for it.”

With thanks to Melissa Gerke